the first ever ever ever
asinine poetry reading and
literary contest

The first ever asinine poetry reading took place at
Pete's Candy Store, October 11, 2001. With our founder
Houghton Piker traveling around the country (fulfilling
his lifelong dream of having a bowel movement
in every state), it fell upon my meager shoulders
to emcee.

I arrived early and within 60 seconds Nora the bartender
recommended I get therapy. I saw this as a good omen.
Or, at least, not an unfair comment. I drank a mojito.

Who know what's going with our PR department?!
Still, we drew a decent crowd — more than four,
but less than a million. I read first, droning poems by
Richard Cairo, Houghton Piker, the beautiful V.S. Frimmit
(who did not attend), and Daniel Sciarra. As a coda
at the end of almost every poem, J.C. blew a giddy
note out his recorder at about the end of each piece,
give or take a few seconds. Armed with a digital
camera, ern modern photographed the event and
heckled on occasion.

Before the audience completely dozed off, J.C. handed
out the ballots for the contest. The contest rules were
to send in unpublished poems, 1,000 words maximum,
regarding, about, concerning, dealing with, kinda
mentioning celebrities, famous people, public figures,
politicos, stars, has-beens, wannabes, etc. All entries
had to be asinine! The site received a good amount
of entries — more than five, but less than 50.
These were whittled down by Piker and myself
to the seven presented at the reading.

Exceptional volunteers read each piece. The audience
was asked to rate the poems on the very literary scale
of 1 through 10, 1 being the epitome of hogwash and 10
being an example of unmitigated genius. Each poem was
read twice, so that it could be fully ingested. Kudos
and much thanks to all the readers for having the
cojones to get on stage.

Sort of at the same time, Tim Hall, the man Pravda
dubbed ''the Tom Jones of asinine poetry'' read his work
and the works of others, including E.M.B., i am water
(who was away lecturing in Vienna), Joanne Hixson, and
Raul Chuletas (who does not exist, really).

Hall's incredible energy kept the event moving —
and covered my ass when I had to go to the bar's
backyard and tally up the points. It took a while to
find a lit spot where my solar energy calculator (it takes
a smart man to bring a light-sensitive device to a bar)
would work, but I did and, with J.C.'s kind help,
totalled up the scores.

The winners are as follows:
FIRST PLACE ($50):
"The Night I Carried Kristofferson's Bag" by Casey

SECOND PLACE ($25):
"Were that I Could Be Half as Famous*" by Tim Hall

THIRD PLACE ($15):
by Chris Feild


Those deserving honorable mention include:
"At Irving Plaza*" by Lord Boron

"New Yorks Yankees Saved My Life" by Lover Dudley

"Why I Should Be Nicole Kidman's Publicist*"
by Stephen Du Marais

"Jon Bon Jovi Is Waiting" by Catty Marlboro

"And Then They Stopped Calling*" by Pure Eval

"Now If I Were Burt Reynolds*" by Fred Byrnes

"Bob and Woody*" by

"Lucy Lucy*" by V.S. Frimmit

"The Video Music Awards*" by Richard A. Plenty

Thank you to everyone who attended and especially
those who read. Thanks all to Andy McDowell of Pete's
Candy Store for the space and for the impetus for this
event.

Yours truly,
R. Narvaez