the second ever
asinine poetry contest

Aloha and Moshi Moshi!
Houghton Piker here, creator and grand poobah
of asinine poetry. Welcome to the goal-oriented
portion of our program, wherein we reveal the winners
of the second ever asinine poetry contest: erotic
asinine poetry and discuss the complexities of having
to judge an outstanding — and quite stimulating —
mass of entries.

Entrants were asked to send unpublished poems,
1,000 words max.,regarding, about, concerning
things bawdy, bodacious, bowdlerization-worthy,
concupiscent, dangerous, dirty, erotic,
horny, hot-to-trot, lascivious, libidinous,
lovesexy, salty, salacious, seductive, sensual,
saucy, torrid, tongue-lashingly naughty naughty,
tumescent, voluptuous, wanton, wet wet wet, and wild.
BUT MOST OF ALL (of course): asinine.

We received more than 30 and less than 5,000 entries,
which makes for exactly quadruple our previous contest's
amount. Also, we received a splendiferous amount of haikus,
so we decided to give a special award for erotic haiku.

The submissions were whittled down from a vast international
field of entrants and rated on a scale from 0 to 10. Yes,
you got it, just like (and perhaps as culturally important as)
the Olympics. A score of 10, for example, would mean
''exemplary in asininity!'' while a score of 1 would mean
''not so good really.''

Thanks to the following very kind folks for volunteering
to be judges: Scott Barwick, Carlos Beltran, Paul Buckley,
Mrs. Dalloway, Arthur Radley, Shawna Malcom, James Parker,
and the inimitable i am water.

Why no reading this time around? Blame it on me. I couldn't
get my act together. My hair was at the cleaners. I'm wanted
by police. Pick one. They're all partly true. In an event, the
contest went smoothly. Judges were placed in separate rooms
to avoid any major collusion.

The winners are as follows:

FIRST PLACE ($50):
"Mother of All Synonyms*" by James L. Hale

SECOND PLACE ($25):
"Get*" by Dean Haspiel

THIRD PLACE ($15):
"Lyrics to 'We're Midgets Not Dwarfs’ from the Musical Midgets*" by Artemus Callahan

SPECIAL HAIKU AWARD ($15):
"Limaku 18" by Elsie Borden

Fourth and Fifth place go to ""Eggs*"" by Robert McNamara
and ""There Once Was a Poet from Brooklone*"" by Claire King,
respectively. I note these because it was a very close race.
Some of the judges' comments were of note. The Canadian-
looking judge called Hale's poem, ''Not only asinine but funny.''
The Brooklyn judge complimented Haspiel's ''Get'' for its
terseness and profundity. The Swedish-looking judge
said of Callahan's piece: ''It took me by surprise with
its depth and its relentlessness.'' The Long Island judge noted
that overall the poems were more pornographic than erotic,
then asked if he could have a clean set to take home with him.

Also, there were two poems about midgets. Now that's odd, isn't it?

Okay. Poems deserving honorable mention
(these poems are going live in the following weeks):

"100% FREE SLUTS LIVE! NO CREDIT CARD NEEDED!*" by Adam Bulger

"Porn Convention*" by Meatball Brown

"I Looked at the Aspirin Lady's Nails on Television*" by Lover Dudley

"Scenes from a Doomed Midget Porn Film*" by Stephen Du Marais

''Limakus 1-17, 19'' by Elsie Borden

"Conjugal U*" by Robert McNamara

"Nutrition*" by Robert McNamara

"Body Party*" by ern modern

"The Coffee Break Waltz*" by Daniel Sciarra

"O That I Were a Little Nekked Man*" by Gregory Lawrence Stewart

''Sexikus One-Six'' by Wotan the Warrior

* * *

That's it then. See you every Friday here for a
selection of new poems. Check back 'round for our next
contest, scheduled to begin early this summer.
Be good. Not too much coffee now.

Signing off,
This is Houghton Piker,
Creator and Grand Poobah of asinine poetry

PS: Special thanks to Itchy and Scratchy,
both of whom volunteered much of their time to help
whittle down the vast field. Also, some thanks should be
tossed off to web lackey R. Narvaez for doing something,
we're not sure what.