the fifth asinine poetry contest:
tv & movies

FIRST PLACE: $75
SECOND PLACE: $50
THIRD PLACE: $25

HI BOYS AND GIRlS!
First of all, a great thank you to everyone who participated in the latest contest, contestants, judges, and Lenny, our cable guy.

We collected the many poems sent to our P.O. Box. The asinine editorial board weeded through these. Some were rejected outright (although we must applaud the poet who repeated "Kill the Wayanses" for 14 lines for her inventiveness and taste). Most of the entries were exceptionally asinine — very creative and very funny, with that special twist. And some people sent in checks to ''asinine poetry,'' which we cannot cash; we plan to save them up to re-wallpaper our office bathroom, or something to that effect. Overall, we collected enough fees so that we may increase the prize monies for our next contest. A top eight poems were picked and sent to a select group of guest judges: Easter Cathay, Sal Castronovo, Finny Deerfield, and Ron Milon. (Their comments are noted below.)

And the prizewinners are:
"Our Love Is Electric (And I'm Yanking The Cord)" by Aaron Earl Short, FIRST PRIZE, $75
''The buildup of rage, the addiction—reminds me of my third marriage!''—FD
''The poem has the best title of them all. Somehow, though, I was disappointed that the poem itself wasn't more country and westernish. But I especially enjoyed 'The cats seem to like you.'''—EC

"El Canal Espaņol" by A. Georgi, SECOND PRIZE, $50
''Because jerking off in poetry is funny.''—FD
''Tight, funny, edgy, and definitely the most asinine.''—EC

"The Back of My Television" by Mr. K, THIRD PRIZE, $25
''I like that this one approached TV from a different point of view, and any imagery of crotch hair is a good thing.''—FD
''Quite dreadful, but it definitely meets my personal standards for asininity.''—EC
''Raunchy and funny.''—SC

The honorable mentions are as follows:
"Glitz" by Robert McNamara
''The rhythm of this would lend itself well to a live performance.''—FD
''This one is a little too heavy—more of a 'real poem' with asinine sprinkles, although it does get bonus points for using 'shat.'''—EC

"Describing the Ideal Art Film about Equality" by Dustin Michael
''Excellent title and groovy last stanza.''—EC
''Well composed and sooooo asinine!''—SC

"Psychkicked Out at Moobiehaus" by John Powers
''What is that cookies ending all about?''—SC
''The flavor of this one is more silly than asinine. Extra credit for rhyme, meter, and creetif slelpnig.''—EC

"53 Look-Alike Brigitte Bardots" by Gregory Lawrence Stewart
''Nice first line, but serious and world weary.''—EC
''Excellent idea for a L.A. poem.''—RM

"What's with TV Today?" by ern modern
''Nothing has changed; your mind has always been mush.''—EC
''Extra points since it mentions bad karate.''—RM

Thanks and a mighty Carol Burnett Tarzan yell to everyone who participated.

For those who showed up late, here was the deal. Poets were asked to send in unpublished poems in the theme of Movies and TV. Anything about the boob tube, the idiot box, Bob Goen, the electronic altar, Mary Hart, the perfect babysitter, sitcoms, reality shows, news, variety shows, cartoons, Jim Belushi, cable, digital cable, the home shopping network, the Olsen twins, videos, DVDS, and/or the big screen, the silver screen, Cameron Diaz, popcorn, Harrison Ford, jujubes, Hollywood, karate flicks, L.A., slasher films, Spielbergland, sequels, blockbusters, the walk of fame, Yul Brynner, etc. etc. etc.

Rules? Ah, the poems must be about Movies and TV. The poems must be asinine (explore the site if you're not sure what that means). And the poems must, uh, be poems.

A five-dollar-bill was required, and the contest deadline was October 15, 2003.

And now that the curtain has fallen on yet another contest, holy cow, here comes another one, with a $100 top prize. For info on past contests, go here and here and here and also here.

G'night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are!

—V.S. Frimmit