2nd-ever asinine poetry contest: erotic asinine poetry
Aloha and Moshi Moshi!
Entrants were asked to send unpublished poems, 1,000 words maximum, regarding, about, concerning things bawdy, bodacious, bowdlerization-worthy, concupiscent, dangerous, dirty, erotic, horny, hot-to-trot, lascivious, libidinous, lovesexy, salty, salacious, seductive, sensual, saucy, torrid, tongue-lashingly naughty naughty, tumescent, voluptuous, wanton, wet wet wet, and wild. BUT MOST OF ALL (of course): asinine.
We received more than 30 and less than 5,000 entries, which makes for exactly quadruple our previous contest's amount. Also, we received a splendiferous amount of haikus, so we decided to give a special award for erotic haiku.
The submissions were whittled down from a vast international field of entrants and rated on a scale from 0 to 10. Yes, you got it, just like (and perhaps as culturally important as) the Olympics. A score of 10, for example, would mean ''exemplary in asininity!'' while a score of 1 would mean ''not so good really.''
Thanks to the following very kind folks for volunteering to be judges: Scott Barwick, Carlos Beltran, Paul Buckley, Mrs. Dalloway, Arthur Radley, Shawna Malcom, James Parker, and the inimitable i am water.
The winners are as follows:
FIRST PLACE ($50):
"Mother of All Synonyms*" by James L. Hale
SECOND PLACE ($25):
"Get*" by Dean Haspiel
THIRD PLACE ($15):
"Lyrics to 'We're Midgets Not Dwarfs’ from the Musical Midgets*" by Artemus Callahan
SPECIAL HAIKU AWARD ($15):
"Limaku 18" by Elsie Borden
Fourth and Fifth place go to "Eggs*" by Robert McNamara and "There Once Was a Poet from Brooklone*" by Claire King, respectively. I note these because it was a very close race. Some of the judges' comments were of note. The Canadian-looking judge called Hale's poem, ''Not only asinine but funny.'' The Brooklyn judge complimented Haspiel's ''Get'' for its terseness and profundity. The Swedish-looking judge said of Callahan's piece: ''It took me by surprise with its depth and its relentlessness.'' The Long Island judge noted that overall the poems were more pornographic than erotic, then asked if he could have a clean set to take home with him.
Also, there were two poems about midgets. Now that's odd, isn't it?
Okay. Poems deserving honorable mention:
"100% FREE SLUTS LIVE! NO CREDIT CARD NEEDED!*" by Adam Bulger
"Porn Convention*" by Meatball Brown
"I Looked at the Aspirin Lady's Nails on Television*" by Lover Dudley
"Scenes from a Doomed Midget Porn Film*" by Stephen Du Marais
''Limakus 1-17, 19'' by Elsie Borden
"Conjugal U*" by Robert McNamara
"Nutrition*" by Robert McNamara
"Body Party*" by ern modern
"The Coffee Break Waltz*" by Daniel Sciarra
"O That I Were a Little Nekked Man*" by Gregory Lawrence Stewart
''Sexikus One-Six'' by Wotan the Warrior