The 11th Asinine Poetry Contest:
Asinine Erotic Poems
FIRST PRIZE: $50
SECOND PRIZE: $35
THIRD PRIZE: $20
WELL, HELLO THERE, asinine fans, We announced during the sweltering summer a contest for asinine erotic poetry, smooch! Erotic verse exists throughout history in every culture, lithe lines detailing sexual love and desire (grrrrr), from Egyptian love songs to Goethe's more stimulating works. Thus, it was a genre ripe for asininity. For this contest, we asked you naughty poets you to send in your best bawdy, salacious, sensuous asinine erotic poems. You responded as if on fire with Viagra. The editors at the Asinine office narrowed down the many, heaving entries to the best, sexiest, naughtiest 13.
And then we needed hottie judges who understood what we were looking for--something erotic but also something asinine; we soon found a perfect menage a trois: the ravishing Michelle Herrera Mulligan, writer and editor of Juicy Mangos: Erotica Collection (Atria, 2007); the debonair Daniel Thomas Moran, former poet laureate of Suffolk County and someone who, when you look at him, you know he's thinking something dirty; and the ever-saucy Lainie Speiser, author of Threesomes: For Couples Who Want to Know More (Quiver, 2007) and publicity manager of the Penthouse Media Group.
The judges held the poems in their hot, sweaty hands and, after much foreplay and flirting, they rated the final 13. Here then are their votes. These wonderfully attractive poets win the right to brag at singles' bars, lucky poets, as well as $5 gift certificates to the our asinine store at Cafe Press:
13. "Alone" by R.J. Clarken
Herrera Mulligan said, ''Like something your grandpa would recite when he's a little tipsy.''
12. "Paradoxes and Oxytocin" by Jessica L. Kleinman
Speiser said, ''Vagina poetry is terribly sad.'' Said Moran, ''I don't think anyone should apologize to John Ashbery. It is John Ashbery who should be apologizing. By the way, John Ashbery would not know a clit if it jumped up and bit him on the nose. He favors hemorrhoids.''
11. "Personal Hygiene" by Albert Van Hoogmoed
Speiser: ''Bestiality is only mildly amusing.'' Herrera Mulligan called it ''just gross.'' And Moran noted, ''Another reason I am a cat person.''
10. "That Thing on Your Cheech" by Katharine Showalter
Herrera Mulligan said, ''Surprising and original, but a little nasty.'' And Moran noted, ''Very kinky and possibly a case for the Anti-Italian Defamation League.''
9."To Penis" by Alex Galper
. Speiser noted, ''Who doesn't like penis poetry?'' Moran: ''I knew Kenneth Koch. You are no Kenneth Koch. Be happy about that. He was not so much a penis, more a dickhead.'' Herrera Mulligan: ''Hilarious.''
8. "Your Lips Are Like" by Steve Blackburn
Herrera Mulligan: ''Your eyes are like starving kids? Not so much. . . '' Moran said: ''Did someone leave the gate unlocked at Guantanamo?'' Speiser noted, ''Ha, here's to being politically incorrect!''
7. "Things You Think about While Making Love" by David Ochs
Moran: ''Hey, are you the guy who is dating my ex-wife? You better also think about where you left your wallet.'' Speiser called it ''a little sad.'' Herrera Mulligan called it ''a little all over the place.''
6. "An Erotic Poem for Osama Bin Laden" by Glenna Sweeney
Herrera Mulligan: ''Clever but a little obvious. Good effort.'' Moran: ''Cave dwellers unite! By the way, the beard doesn't work for him either. But he needs a place to store his fleas.'' Speiser: ''I adore this, hilarious and strong.''
5."Limerick" by Nick Greenwood
Speiser: ''I like this but the rhythm is off.'' Moran: ''I am an old softy for a good Irish muff-diving limerick.'' Herrera Mulligan: ''Like something your uncle would recite when he's a little tipsy.''
4. "Stacking Chairs" by Ed Kornfeld
Moran: ''I would strongly advise staying away from folding chairs.'' Speiser: ''I have thought the same thing--thank you!'' Herrera Mulligan: ''Wistful and funny. Good.''
In the afterglow then, of all that hard-won judging, the contest climaxed into these three top poems, and our prizewinners:
3RD PLACE: "Under Shakespeare's Cod Piece" by George Spencer
Herrera Mulligan: ''You can't beat the bard! (Not surprised to hear his wife could be behind his prose. I always thought he had a womanly touch.) Love the rhythmic timing, cheekiness, and suggestive quality . . . less is definitely more.'' Speiser: ''Both sleazy and elegant.'' Moran: ''Actually, Mrs. Shakespeare's pet name for Will was 'Pin Dick.' The only line she wrote was something about trying finding a needle in a haystack.''
2ND PLACE: "Valentine's Day" by Greg Schwartz
Moran: ''The old hide-the-Valentine's-Salami trick. Chocolate sauce works better. Try Bosco in the microwave for 13 seconds. And I mean 13.'' Speiser: ''Sweet and silly and childish, like sex can be!'' Herrera Mulligan: ''Clever and sexy. Nice!''
1ST PLACE: "Upon My Nice Clean Sheets" by Easter Cathay
Herrera Mulligan: ''Good combo of sexy and funny.'' Speiser: ''It's clever and who can't relate?'' Moran: ''There is something especially sticky about this poem, which really dried on me.''
Well, I hope that was good for you. It was certainly good for us. Someone light a cigarette.
Thanks to all our tender and understanding judges, and special thanks to all our concupiscent entrants for playing. Be well, and call us!