the ninth asinine poetry contest:

hilarious haiku!


*Available in cash or asinine merchandise.


Hajimemashite! Everyone knows haiku and senyru, don't they? Well, maybe not. But we wanted to give our poets a try. Contestants were asked to come up with an asinine haiku and senyru. The entry fee was a dollar (NO CHECKS PLEASE!), and the deadline was March 15, 2006.

We received a good amount of entries, some very haiku-like--all right, not very--but not too many that would make Basho commit ritual suicide. Well, perhaps he would test his blade on some of our poets first. We carved this prodigous list down (hai!) for our guest judges.

Then we gathered three asinine compatriots and put them in a room with several jugs of sake and a bowl of wasabi peas. We picked Ron Milon, Finny Deerfield, and Perrie Layton not because of their expertise in the form or in poetry in general and not because they had even eaten recently at a Japanese restaurant, particularly Ms. Deerfield, who does not understand why a body shot off a sushi chef is not on the menu, but they were chosen merely because they were sober (relatively) and they were available. This was at 10 a.m. by the way. On a Tuesday.

First, here are the runners up:
10. "Do Not Call Me Up and Wait" by P-Woody
10. "Parse the Words" by ern modern
These two ditties tied for 10th place. Of the latter one judge said, ''I have always thought ass humor to be limitless. Now I'm not so sure.'' Of the former, a judge said, ''That sound you hear is my hanging up now.''
9. "No Entry Fee" by Larry Rapant
Say judges Layton and Deerfield, haikuically, ''We understand it,/Hey how come we don't get paid/To judge this haiku?'' Ahem.
8. "Bovine Laundry Day" by Sue De Kelver
Again judges Layton and Deerfield concur: ''The same thing happened to us!''
7. "priest, rabbi, preacher" by Charles West
Judge Milon praised its inclusiveness, calling the poem ''A creative combination that unifies.'' And says judge Deerfield, ''You will always sway me with a priest, a rabbi AND a preacher--mreow!''
6. "Rapport: A Seaside" by R.J. Clarken
''Clever! Clever! It's a thinker,'' says judge Layton. Says judge Milon, ''A refreshing meeting of hip hop and seafood.''
5. "Compare Haiku" by Greg Hill
Says Deerfield: ''The Bard was a 'tard when it came to haiku.'' But Milon averred, ''A bright optimistic approach.''
4. "The Haimrick Manoeuvre" by Benedict Stefan Landgren Mills
Judge Milon pronounced this ''Funny,'' while judge Layton noted, ''Even though I was born with eggs, I choked on my chicken!''

And our prizewinners are:
3. "Hi-Coo Who Me?" by Doug Draime
Deerfield was moved to ask, ''Are you a congressman?'' While Milon merely asked, ''Why?''
2. "(It's perfect, actually)" by Easter Cathay
Says judges Layton and Deerfield, ''Goats are always funny!'' And judge Milon noted, ''Now I know what I'll be having for dinner tonight!''
1. "Spring Surprise" by Steven McDougal
Judge Milon advises to ''check for the dog as well!'' And Layton says, ''You will always sway me with a haiku about a cat--mreow!''

That's it, then. Our thanks to our readers, as always. And our thanks to our contestants for playing. We bow to you! Genki desu!