emotions
recollected
while in
the shower. . .

What in tarnation is asinine poetry?!
asinine poetry is the journal of asinine poetry, a weekly publication of asinine poetry, poetry that is, shall we say, asinine. Meaning: Not necessarily bad; mostly kinda funny.

So where did this site come from?
Houghton Piker was working at a civil service job and had a wonky PC on his desk. He had lots of down time — truth to tell, he made lots of down time for himself — and he discovered Microsoft Publisher on the wonky PC. ''Eureka,'' he thought, ''this probably means something.'' He had already been dabbling with the written word (poems, essays, songs, and fiction) and had a collection of things scrawled on cocktail napkins, business cards, and envelopes from loan officers. And he knew some other poor schlubs who were writing stuff that was very similar in style. Someone, we can't say who for sure, had started calling it, for good or ill, ''asinine poetry.'' So one fateful night, according to legend, Piker was working late, halfway into a bottle of Cointreau, when he said, ''You know, I could publish this asinine stuff.''

La.
Piker edited, designed, and printed his journal of asinine poetry and bound them with the office's trusty long-armed stapler. Then Billy Batson-like, he distributed these chap books at zine-friendly stores (both of them) in New York City. Then "Shazam,'' to his surprise, people actually liked them, and they did develop a cult following — mostly, an tiny enclave of zinesters based in Havre de Grace. Still, fans are fans.

C'mon, do you really need a Web site?
But then Piker had to leave his civil service job. Loooong story. Still, he had now caught the self-publishing bug. Plus, now he really had a lot of down time. He no longer had access to that wonderful Microsoft Publisher or that copy machine or the color printer or the mailroom. And art must out, or what's a heaven for, by gum! Thus: The Web Site!

Why asinine?
Well, everything else in our culture has become asinine, from our music to our language to our leaders, so, hey, why not some fries with that grilled cheese sangwich? Milk? One could argue that human culture has always been asinine, but then that would really bum our high.

Golly, I wrote a poem. Can I send it in?
Why the heck not?! As long as it's asinine, dear friend — which is not as easy as it would seem. Or, at least, we try to convince ourselves of that. Send in your poem(s), no more than 1,000 words (it's not the readers' ADD we worry about, it's ours), by clicking on the slice of pie above, all to way to your right. Include your poems in the body of the e-mail. No attachments will be opened. We reserve the right to edit your poem to make it more asinine. You will be notified if and when your poem will be posted. For more details on submissions, go here. Oh, and stop calling me Golly.

Is this stuff #&@!! porny?
Most of the content herein is intended to be read by mature audiences (by which we mean, in terms of years, if not emotional growth). And that is not to say that it's all about S & M and T & A. There is some of that, sure, because, y'know, that's what brings the guys in.

Who are the Editors around here?
Let's let them introduce themselves. There's editor-in-chief Houghton Piker: ''What do you want?'' Web lackey R. Narvaez: ''Hiya. I actually look taller in real life.'' Editrix Catty Marlboro: ''Despite what you may think, I've been printed in real lit magazines, which I'm apparently not allowed to name. Piker, you're an ass.'' Editor-at-large Richard Cairo: ''Yo. Peace.'' Editrix-at-large Veronica Frimmit: ''Call me crazy, call me late for dinner, call me madam. Just don't call me before 9 a.m.'' Plus, there are our designers: Jolly J.C. (''Please take me off these e-mail lists'') and the ever-exceptional ern modern (''What do you need to introduce me for?'').

What's up with those biographies on the Hack page? Are they real?
Suuuuuure. Some of them are. But the editors reserve the right to completely fabricate your identity. You will be asked to make suggestions, of course, but it's the only fun the guards allow us to have, really.

You think you're pretty funny, don't you?
No, sir, just funny looking.

Where do I find the search engine?
The site's internal search engine can be used to find any poem on the site by text, title, or keyword. Stuck for an appropriate poem for a loved one on Groundhog Day? Type in the keyword ''bestiality'' and see what you get. You can use more than one word — no need to add ''or'' or ''and'' — to widen your search. For example, for a co-worker, you might want something to do with ''colonoscopy'' and ''aliens.'' Type both those words and see what you get. Can't find a poem with the word you typed in, say ''pizza'' or ''chickadee''? Don't plotz — write the poem yourself and send it by e-mail or snail: asinine poetry, P.O. Box 1349, New York, NY 10276.

Is that all there is?
No, children, there is more. Twice a year there are contests, such as the one we had on erotic verse. Check the front page for announcements. And there is now asinine prose. Plus, there'll be some other splendiferous stuff that we haven't thought of yet. Be patient, true believers!, and you shall be rewarded.

Yr. ob'd't. ser'v'ts,
The Editors

asinine poetry,''the journal of asinine poetry,'' and the contents of www.asininepoetry.com are © 2005 by Mongrel Publishing.

All rights belong to contributors.
This site is generously hosted by the good folks at monkeyfish.com.