The Worst Person in the World
HI, I'm the worst person in the world. I like to play my accordion on weeknights at one in the morning. Would you like to meet me? I can get to you really quickly. I save time by running red lights and not brushing my teeth. I'll be mumbling at you soon. Could I borrow your book? I'll return it, I'm very good about that sort of thing. God, you need to chill, you know? Have some of my Cheetos. Do I have Cheetos breath? You can tell me.

The Best Person in the World
HI, I'm a robot but I understand feelings. Would you like a snack? Clap your hands and I'll produce candy. Or perhaps you would like me to give you a touch-free massage. At the beach. Clap again. Did anyone ever tell you how beautiful you are? And smart, too. In fact I find that I have discovered an emotion, and it is love.