WERE that i could be as half as famous
as that famous cookie-man, who's name is Amos
or those towers twin, victims of a crime so heinous
were that i could be as half as famous

were that i could be just half as swell,
as that cracked and wonderful Liberty Bell
for thee she tolls, and me as well,
were that i could be just half as swell

were that i could be one-eighth as neat
as that oft-repeated Halloween phrase, ''trick or treat''
for then my life would overflow with riches sweet
were that i could be one-eighth as neat

but fame, oh fame, is but a fickle gal
who loves you for a little, then runs off with your best pal
it doesn't matter who you are, or what your name is
were that i could be as half as famous

*Second-prize winner, asinine poetry literary contest, fall 2001