Guy walks into an
antique shop and says,
''Hey, what's new?''

By Catty Marlboro

2 May 2008
OH STAT: Lately, we at the Asinine Offices have been FASCINATED by stats, stats involving YOU, our readers and listeners. What was our most popular podcast last month? Episode 29 for some reason! Now this makes sense: What poem did you e-mail to a pal the most? ''Girls Poop Faster'' by V.S. Frimmit! I KNEW you ALL love bathroom humor. I'm guessing most of you are 12, in one way or the other. But we don't have stats on that right now. How telling is this: The top 11 search strings that bring people to the site, in descending order--asinine poetry, wisked, lowku, hilarious haiku, hal sirowitz, albert van hoogmoed, another word for mother, belly button smells, oedipals, asinine, AND how to poop faster! Hey, we're not complaining. Whatever it takes to get you here!

CRIMINAL CONTEST REMINDER: You know those geographic Noir mystery books--Brooklyn Noir, Queens Noir, Scranton Noir--the editor of at least of couple of those is the very cool Tim McLoughlin, and he'll be judging our upcoming contest on asinine crime poetry! TOP PRIZE: $100! Deadline: August!

NEW PODCAST: In his deep stentorian voice, proset Justin Courter reads asinine proems from his new book Death of the Poem and Other Paragraphs in Episode 42

MORE SOON! . . .

1 April 2008
CUE WEDDING BELLS: So yeah I met this guy at a bar and after 17 Jaeger Bombs we decided to get married. And--ah, never mind, you know I'm April-Fooling. I go into a bar, I'm NOT there to meet guys. They're all skeeveballs there anyway. I want to meet anybody DECENT I wait till my weekly AA meeting. SO, here it is National Poetry Month AND the Universal Day of Hilarity--can we say magic confluence after 17 Jaeger Bombs? No, but if any day was Asinine Poetry Day, THIS BE IT, as they say on MTV. By the way, if you've been finding some HTML glitches on the site, links not opening, etc., the maxima culpa goes to our Web team, that still needs to go through the whole kit and kaboodle and work out all the kinks. Heh.

CRIMINAL CONTEST: You know those geographic Noir mystery books--Brooklyn Noir, Queens Noir, Scranton Noir--the editor of at least of couple of those is the very cool Tim McLoughlin, and he'll be judging our upcoming contest on ASININE CRIME POETRY. Thanks, Tim! TOP PRIZE: $100!

NEW PODCASTS: Have you heard our latest? First, wacky poetess Juliette Avila recorded two more high-energy podcasts, one regarding Agatha Christie for some reason, and the other in which she helps destroy the memory of a beloved song from Wizard of Oz. And then the unsettling P-Woody recites some classic poems that were asinine before there was a name for it.

SPEAKING OF WHICH: You'll notice out Asinine Classic Poems at the middle-bottom of our home page features some very familiar names--Lewis Carroll, Dylan Thomas, Louisa May Alcott, and Alfred Noyes. We're hoping--well, we're hoping no one sues us, but we're also hoping to bring out the idea that there was funny, humorous, ASININE poetry long before we were around, although WE WERE the ones who made the site and all the T-shirts.

THIS MONTH'S HACKS: Um, I'll be right back with that . . .

3 March 2008
SPRING ALREADY: The way this winter has been playing TAG back and forth with spring is getting a little bit DISCONCERTING. I know, you're thinking that's a big word for a gal from Deep Brooklyn to use. SCREW OFF. Actually, I think I'm testy 'cause I had a recent physical, not my favorite way to be poked and prodded, and anyway now I've had to get all healthy. Problem with my triglycerides, apparently. So, I'm cutting down on the caloric intake, and I'm the type'd used to have steak omelets, with Bloody Marys, of course, to use as a dip. You know, I even decided to quit smoking and now I'm sucking on these little platic Nico-somethings. Damn, now I'm wondering is a lobotomy just wouldn't be more efficient. In cutting out part of who I am, you know. Anyway, all THAT, and the peripatetic spring have given me a low-boiling conniption fit. So stay out of my way!

NEW STUFF: Well, it may not be a new season for a few weeks yet, but we do have a new contest, and a nifty one if I don't say so myself: CRIME POETRY. What the hell is that? Google it, and you'll find plenty stuff. We probably won't have time for a second contest this year, since we procratinated on this one, thus we are increasing the ducats, the take, the prize money. TOP PRIZE: $100!

NEW PODCAST: Yeah, we've been busy. We got the wild and sassy poetess Juliette Avila to come to the office to record her and other poems for a new podcast! Force nows, we needed new blood for our podcasts. Hope you LOVE it!

THIS MONTH'S HACKS: This month we touch on some topical issues as the recent writers' strike and the baseball steroids scandal. And of course we're all pumped up for St. Paddy's. My homegirl Marybeth Niederkorn, Poet Extraordinaire returns with a close-up on Hollywood writers. NIEDERKORN RULES! Beer is on me next time! And no more tequila shooters. Last time THAT happened, I woke up in Sweden with five kids and no TV set. Crooner Mal Torme plays us a tune about the beleaguered Major Leaguer Roger Clemens. That ass. Clemens, I mean, not Torme. Torme is an ass-pincher, everyone knows that. Not that he pinched Clemens, um, oh, NEVER MIND. Gentle giant Ook, Warrior Poet stomps back with his own take on Clemens' visiting Congress. The talented Easter Cathay gives us a seasonal fashion statement. XXOO to you, Easter. HOTTIE English professor Natalie M. Dorfeld, PhD debuts on the site with a simple yet effective school-age ode. Recent Asinine Poetry contest winner Albert Van Hoogmoed goes deep with his newest effort, about aliens. Hint: It's NOT really about immigration. AND LISTEN ALL YOU TOILET HUMOR LOVERS: Just because we put one toilet humor poem up does NOT mean we want 50,000 more submitted. A little goes a long way, around and around, and down. The nubile and thought-provoking Blair Tellers debuts on the site with a great mediation on human and commercial transitoriness. Or maybe it's just about boredeom. YOU decide. Facebook-obsessed and longtime asinine favorite Wade Christian returns with a great meld of martial arts and Messiah-ing. Cafey Nated sent us her latest poem as part of our recent erotic poetry contest; it's quite stimulating. Go Cafey! And finally the clinically insane Fenway Parker chimes in for the Irish holiday. And please check out our classics by the old pro Robert McNamara. See you next month!

4 February 2008
SORROWS OF YOUNG SERVER: Sharp-eyed asinine FANS noticed we were having technical difficulties yet again this past week. We in the asinine editorial offices were JUICED up and ready to go with our monthly batch of 10 new poems last Friday. But perhaps we spilled some of that juice on our server. No matter. It's all better now. But please if you ever see anything amiss or even a typo on the site (the Force forbid!), please let us know. By the way, you'll notice some adjustments on our front page--but it's like rearranging the furniture in your living room, or the variety of sushi and sashimi on your plate. You know what I mean? We're still standing back and seeing if we're comfy with it. And are waiting to be inspired by more SAKI.

THIS MONTH'S HACKS: Newbie Justin Courter debuts on the site with two poems from his The Death of the Poem collection--one about Plato, kinda, and another involving Lionel Richie. Big Toe Review editor Joshua Michael Stewart returns with a piece that uses the word ''guttersnipe,'' which almost guarantees its asininity. Fenway Parker, he of the hard-on for every hoiday, gives us three more Valentine's Day ditties. Why he's not married, um, I'll never know. Uh huh. Gerald So waxes crayonly about a dad and daughter. Our Web lackey Richie Narvaez somehow found time to scrawl down a loverly evolutionary ode. The great and powerful Arthur Radley circumnavigates recent research about Christopher Columbus bringing back STDs. And Alex Galper decants a typically Galper serving of Russian-inflected hilarity. You'll also note poems from our asinine poetry erotic poetry contest (stay tuned--we'll be announcing our new contest soon) and a classics collection of our Valentine's Day faves. See you next month!

1 January 2008
SO LONG '07, HELLO '08: If you're wondering how your dear old Catty was able to write this so early on January 1, after the annual Asinine Poetry office party and when you KNOW I'm the kind of gal who LOVES her New Year's Eve excess, I'll let you in on a secret: I wrote this in a moment of peace DAYS ago. I don't think I've SEEN a January 1 in years; for me, every new year starts on January 2. Or 3. ANYWAY, so THAT was 2007. Nice to see your back! Don't let the door hit you on your way out! WHEW. What a strange year. Thank the Force I blacked out most of it. Hey, for a great look at 2007, check out Scott Emmons's year-end round-up at the Shoebox blog. As for us, this year we resolve to try to get to our submissions pile more regularly, to clean up our cluttered home page, and to eat more vegetables (not just with our Bloody Marys). As for YOU, may this year be your best 2008 EVER!

CONTEST/THIS MONTH'S HACKS: Our asinine erotic poetry contest is DONE and the finalists and prizewinners are UP! For complete details about our judges--writers Michelle Herrera Mulligan, Daniel Thomas Moran, and Lainie Speiser--check out our contest results page. Here now are MY TWO CENTS: Old asinine pro Easter Cathay won first prize with her jism-riddled ode about stained sheets. Newish to the site, Greg Schwartz won second prize with a poem about a sneaky maneuver. George Spencer won third prize with his brief bit written from the POV of Mrs. Shakespeare. Ed Kornfeld takes a lusty look at furniture. Poor Ed. Newbie Nick Greenwood tosses off a naughty limerick. Glenna Sweeney debuts on the site asserting her possibly controversial desire for the world's most famous terrorist. What will all his wives say?! David Ochs ponders what one ponders in flagrante delicto. Steve Blackburn defies social convention with his very sick and very funny lust poem. Russian superstar Alex Galper pulls out an impressive piece. Lesbian-feminist poet Katherine Showalter reassures her partner about a mysterious thing. We're happy to have prolific Internet poet Albert Van Hoogmoed join our ranks with his poetification of an old dog joke. Jessica L. Kleinman turns in my favorite of the lot, a pastiche of the old John Ashbery poem; just FYI, Oxytocin--NOT to be confused with OXYCONTIN--is a hormone released during orgasm and is involved in the formation of trust between people. NOW do you get IT? Give that gal a CIGARETTE! And finally, R.J. Clarken considers the lonely end to unexpressed passion.

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