Jes-Its, the Holiday Cracker®

or Geez, It's the Holiday Cracker

by Kristi Murray

I tried to sell my new idea
But no one was buying.
I wore a knee length skirt
A blazer and a boobie shirt
But they could not be swayed.

First, they hated the name.
Why Jes-Its®, one suit asked.
It's what HE would do, I responded.

As a novelty, asked another.

No, year round. Births, Baptisms, Christmas, Communions,
Good Friday AND Easter,
Sundays after church, FUNERALS even--
The new Chex Mix®?

And they hated the slogan even more.
They found Love Jesus? Then, You'll Love Jes-Its® to be offensive.
But why? I asked.

It's no more blasphemic than the Jesus Mints
Much less than the bobblehead
And don't forget the action figure with kung-fu grip

I was shown the door by T-Bone
Who sided with Satan
In hating my Jes-Its®.

Oh Mother,
why is it so wrong
to have a little fun with your Nativity Scene?
There were sheep
We can't be held responsible

I won't let my Jes-Its® be like the picked-over cart of 75- percent off
Cracked candy canes and reeses peanut butter trees that
Despite the ration will never make it to next year
And the last two stockings buried under the other treasures
Eager and embarrassed like the last two picked-for dodgeball
A rare find, maybe, but never seen again.
Lost in the vast accumulation of shit
Acquired from day-after sales.

I'm glad that I never told anybody
About my Jesus Butter and Jelly Sandwiches®
Or my Cain-dy Ables®,
Perfect for bobbing.

0 Like
Log in to rate
0 Dislike