Your Vote Is Worthless, No Recount Needed

by Tony Voss

WELCOME to the League of Women Voters' Live Debate
Between the candidates for legislator from this state
My name is Dinty Moore and I will be your moderator
Helping you decide who you think is the real master debator
But though debate is used to often describe one of these joints
We all know what you'll really see is duelling talking points
But I digress, it is time now to introduce to you
The candidates who'll paint your state a shade of red or blue
First up we've got a dude who claims to live within your state
Even though he just flew in from D.C. 20 minutes late
He is the current congressman from fightin' district five
A man who dodges questions with an agile shuck or jive
Please welcome Robert Evans, ancient white Republican
Who solicits contributions from ev'ry lobbyist he can
A challenger has come along to try to swipe the throne
My friends you are not seeing things, he's practically a clone
Again he's old, again he's white, again he's money-grubbin'
Yet handsome, like that guy you met last week when you went clubbin'
A Democrat, he's likely not emotionally blind
But what he really stands for is impossible to find
His name is Gorton Fisherman, give him some nice applause
Despite the fact his whole campaign is truly a lost cause
You see my friends it really doesn't matter who you pick
On November 8th they'll magically turn into a dick
I would go on and ask these men exactly where they stand
On all the vital issues that are troubling this land
But I can see there ultimately really is no reason
And though all of the media will prob'ly think this treason
I'll end the debate here and now, because I've had enough
I'll kindly ask the candidates to quietly piss off
And finally, I'll turn to you, my loyal voter friends
To offer consolation so that we may make amends
When all the votings said and done, a winner will be crowned
He could be really crappy, leaving all our wishes drowned
Or maybe he'd be diff'rent, and instill in us some hope
Like JFK or Ghandi or the proud but deceased pope
My friends we can, on bended knees, hope and pray it is the latter
But 'til then, skip your vote this year, because it will not matter

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