For the Love of Tasers

by Daniel Thomas Moran

OH, Tasers we love you
without regret or remorse,
You have led us to the pastures
of somewhat less deadly force.

With our Tasers we can now
simply electrocute them.
No more of that awful mess
we would make when we shoot them.

Faced with all those intractable
dimwits and dolts,
We can settle them down
with just a few megavolts.

And among all the things
which makes Tasers so nice,
You never seem to need
to Taser anyone twice.

Aside from the problem
of some underwear staining,
The reaction to Taser-ing
can be quite entertaining.

Instead of resisting suggestions
they will quickly concede,
Hopping around wildly
like Michael Flatley on speed.

There's no blood, no guts
and no hole in the shirt.
And you can rest assured
that sonofabitch certainly hurt.

Even so, I won't own one
I won't go along with the flock.
I'm just as happy to be holding
a thousand shares of their stock.

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