Porn Convention*

by Meatball Brown

I went to Vegas
for an electronics convention,
but I found out there was another convention
at a different convention center.
A porn convention.

I got some free lube, and some condoms.
And something called a ''Cum-Kleen,''
which is a vanilla-scented Handi-wipe.
I got info on how to make my penis
BIGGER! THICKER!
I got some free DVDs, too,
and saw a demo of the Pussy Shaver,
a battery-operated razor.
But it was being tested on a man's beard.
I learned that ''Amateur'' porn means no silicon.
Professional porn means
you can stuff your breasts
with enough silicon
to make your own computer network.

The Porn-o-Con crowd
looks the same as a Comic Con crowd.
Mostly male, mostly chubby,
with overdeveloped, muscular right arms,
and wizened, atrophied left arms.
There were porn stars
at the different booths,
though most of them were really starlets.
I met Kiwi, the star
of My Baby's Got Back 27.
She called me ''baby'' and ''gorgeous,''
and when she saw my press pass,
she got very friendly.

She said, ''Bling-bling!
Does your magazine put
porno actresses
on the cover?''
And I said yes,
even though we don't.
Then she signed an autograph.
''To Meatball, Stay Sexy, Love Kiwi''

The Porn-o-Con was interesting,
but the thing I liked the best about
the convention
was that in the press room
we got
free soda.

*Honorable mention, asinine poetry literary contest, spring 2002

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