The Best Fucking Poem Ever Written

by Robin Archbold

I have in my hand The Best Fucking Poem Ever Written
And I am neither satirical nor hard-bitten
When I say that all the most famous poets of Our Time –
Shakespeare, Shelley, Keats, Browning, Plath, Wordsworth, Scott,
Whitman, Byron, T. S. Elliot, Coleridge, Burns, Sir John Bloody
Betjeman. . . to name a few
Wish that they’d written this little rhyme

This poem is so amazingly bloody sublime
That those guys would have sawed off their right arms
Split their tongues with a razor blade
Cut off an ear
Swallowed barbed wire
Scalped themselves with a rusty pocketknife
Gouged out their eyeballs with a teaspoon
Committed ritual disembowelment with a 15th century samurai sword
To have written this little rhyme

Golly, gosh, geewhillakers, strewth. . .
This poem embodies every truth
Ever known about the human race
In any time, in any place

And I will state without favour or fear
That the Meaning Of Life is definitely in here
And it is my unswerving prophecy
That it will be the death of philosophy

And when it is read it will no doubt render poetry nights in cafes
and pubs all over the world completely obsolete
Unfortunately my time is up
So I’ll be saving this for the next Nimbin Performance Poetry World Cup
Where it will be very hard to beat!

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