The Midas Touch

by Wade Christian

SURE, turning my whole family to gold
was tragic, in a grand sense,
but no one ever thinks about the mundane,
daily tasks that are made more difficult
by my god-cursed hands.

Imagine how hard it is to pee
into a pot, when you can't aim.
A solid gold penis
may impress some of the ladies,
but it would probably complicate
things on my end a little too much.
Instead, I'm forced to just let my golden
stream fly, and hope that it isn't windy.

Scratching an itch is also problematic,
unless I want to turn myself to gold
which would probably hurt,
but more importantly, would be a little too gaudy
even for a king. I do have appearances to keep up, after all.
I tried having servants ease my misery,
but all I wound up with were a lot of nice,
lifelike golden statues to adorn my garden with.
Sticks sort of work, but gold isn't the strongest of metals,
so it tends to round off quickly, eliminating the scratchiness.

Clothes became optional long ago,
as golden robes get heavy and are hard to move in,
but sleeping has been a continual problem.
A gold bed is a little too firm for my liking,
and golden sheets tend to suffocate,
rather than keep warm.

What happens when I tried to bathe?
You don't want to know,
but suffice it to say that there are some places
gold shouldn't go.

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