My Last Banana: The Testament of Travis the Chimp

by Xander Floss

THAT'S my last banana seated in the bowl
Tilted as if it were a smile. A dole
For a past wonder, now: My crazed chimp ass
Worked busily in its day, and without sass.
Will't please you squat and stare at me? I say
''Crazed Chimp'' on purpose, for rarely may
Strangers for free see such a star simian,
The grace and power of pure primate elan!
And to Stamford they turn (suburbia--
''Am I scaring you tonight, disturbia?'')
Humans come ask me, when they dare,
How such a chimp came here; so do not spare
My ape feelings and ask not. Ma'am, 'twas not
My career's ripeness solely, like a spot
Of darkness on a banana’s peel: the ads
My chimp’s star chance to shine, the lads
Lauded my screen presence—twice, ''Old Navy
Performance cargo,'' or some such, gravy
For such an old theatrical chimp as I.
Working with dear Ms. Fairchild was my
Privilege, so she said, sure enough
I let that minor vixen do her stuff
While I sipped all her pinot. She had
A face--how should I say?--easily made sad,
Similar to a gibbon I knew; and chihuahuas
She doted on, I ate off their wee paw-paws
Ma'am, 'twas all good! Hey, I get a Xanax here?
My nerves are all ajumble! Where was I?
I became in time as like an adopted son,
Tending horses, surfing 'Net and television.
I let myself be lessoned so, and set
To using the toilet and driving the 'vette
Let's see Magic the Shitstained Dog do that!
Alas I drank wine, watched the Mets, grew fat.
Rarely to stand. The banana smiles, no doubt
Whene'er I pass it; but such a smile without
Mirth, a taunting yellow slash? A rara avis
Am I, among mangani, but it's bedtime for Travis
All too soon. Will't please you rise?
Can I get a fucking Xanax now before I rip someone's fucking face off!
Kreegah bundolo! Kreegah bundolo! Kreegah bundolo!
Okeh. Okeh. The drug's known munificence
Kicks in, and here comes the sweet pretense
Of manners. Here is my cage, ma'am, oh no,
Almost quite spotless. Notice my scat, though,
Riddled with cocaine, and some Ecstasy,
Which that cock Povich scored in scads for me!

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