The Sound of One Arm Drumming

by Wade Christian

TYR spent millennia lamenting
his decision to be Fenrir's chew toy,
especially since his black metal band,
Nordic Necrophagic Obituary,
was just starting to catch on with the mortals.

He had played an amazing show the night before,
debuting the band's new hit ''Cannibal Infant Death Camp,''
complete with his five minute drum solo,
filled with so many blastbeats and double-bass rolls
that it sounded like eight-hoofed Sleipnir
was charging into battle with Odin high on his back.

At the after party, Tyr had a few too many pints of mead,
and the putting his arm in the mouth of a giant wolf
seemed like a safe enough idea.
He first began to realize that this might have been a bad idea
when he felt the wolf biting his arm off at the shoulder
like a warrior at the local pub, sucking the marrow from a chicken leg.

After that, Tyr was depressed, and addicted to opiate painkillers.
He was still the god of war, and after some bulking up
he was still able to swing an axe, sword, or spear,
slaughtering man and giant alike, but his life still seemed to be lacking.
He tried to find ways to compensate for the lack of an arm,
but found that drummers need two hands, or at least
stubs which sticks could be strapped to.

He lived in sorrowful hermitage for centuries.
There were even rumors that he had a battle
To the death with his lupine nemesis,
But that whole Ragnarok thing was blown
Way out of proportion.

Then, one man's tragedy became a deity's salvation.
He immediately made some calls, got the band back together.
Instead of playing black metal, they all grew mullets,
bought some spandex pants, and rechristened themselves
Pyromania: The Official Nordic Def Leppard Cover Band.

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