My Ex-Boyfriend Mike (Performed as Variations)

by Meg Johnson

Variation 83
I dated Mike when I was 19.
     I've never smoked a cigarette.
          Mike cried when I broke up with him in my stairwell.
               He was adamant that I keep his sweatpants.

Variation 5
I met my ex-boyfriend Mike at a party.
     He wouldn't talk to me, but took several pictures of me before passing out.
          Then I made-out with his southern roommate John
               who called me ''baby doll.''

Variation 25
If I was a lesbian, I could be on a free vacation with a Shakira look-a-like right now.
     I told some of my teenage dance students about the Shakira look-a-like.
          In the dressing room, they asked if I had ever considered
               becoming a lesbian.
                    It's hard to lie to people who have just watched you
                         adjust your breasts in a push-up bra.

Variation Megg Dogg
My ex-boyfriend Mike would wear his White Sox tee shirts in Wrigleyville.
     Mike was 3 years older than me and thought it was a big age difference.
          I strongly disagreed.
               Mike and I watched 3 men wearing speedos carry watermelons
                    down Belmont.
                              It was a humid summer night.

Variation Meglita Reversed
I'm currently a 20-something aspiring cougar.
     Intensely sexually attracted to a 19 year old ballet dancer who
          has asperger's syndrome and lives with his parents.
               My friend Stacy shamed me.
                    My friend Elizabeth said I should write about the time
                    I was in a neck brace,
                              yelling at the delivery guy from Pizza Extreme.

Variation Toledo Boy
Mike introduced me to his mother over dinner.
     That's when I also met his mother's lesbian life partner, Kathy.
          Kathy was Mike's fourth grade teacher.
               Mike's mom and Kathy had an artificially created baby named Charlotte.
                         At dinner there was also another suburban lesbian couple.
                              The brunette was named Maureen and the blond
                                   drove the mini van that we all rode in after dinner.

Variation My Metaphorical Penis Swings Wildly
My ex-boyfriend Mike was furious when I gave my number to another man.
     I was 19 and trying to see what I could get away with.
          Mike said ''I'm afraid'' when someone knocked on my door around 3 a.m.
               Mike stayed in bed as I tiptoed quietly towards the door.

Variation 39078058162661
My ex-boyfriend Mike would wear torn-up jeans with plaid pajama bottoms underneath.
     My ex-boyfriend Mike took me to the Lincoln Park Zoo the day
            after we had sex for the first time.
                My ex-boyfriend Mike started doing 10 sit-ups a day after I agreed
                   to go out with him.
                           I guess he meant to flatter me by telling me about it.

Variation Now What?
Meg is short for Margaret.
     Calling me Megan is like kidnapping my mother and forcing her to live in a
           shopping mall for the rest of her life.

Variation Twizzler
Mike would say to me ''You're the most beautiful woman I've ever known in real life.''
     That wasn't his own line.
          Chandler said it to Monica on the show Friends.
                    Mike and I attended an arts school gone wild.
                         At parties, we didn't buy Adderall without a prescription
                              for crazy energy.
                                    But all of our friends did.

Variation That's Czech!
My ex-boyfriend Mike had to borrow my tools.
     I yelled at him for not having any of his own.
          My ex-boyfriend Mike got drunk on Manhattans.
                    Then told me he didn't like my hair in a bun.

Variation Hezka Holka
I always knew there would be many much older men in my future.
     I didn't know these men would have erectile dysfunction.

Variation 1920
My ex-boyfriend Mike would chain smoke camel lights.
     I'll always love camel lights via second hand smoke.

Variation Garbo Lite
Having a Gemini Barbie in my apartment does not mean I still play with dolls.
     Got that Luella?
          She's still in the box for heaven's sake!
                She watches over me like a bedazzled brunette doll angel.

Variation Fast Walker
My ex-boyfriend Mike owned two bath towels.
     My ex-boyfriend Mike bought me a box of Life cereal.
          He was beaming with pride.

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