I never wanted to be FARRAH
There was no way I could do that hair
I had Dorothy Hamill or tried to,
with my feral curls

Jaclyn Smith or Kate Jackson
Seemed much smarter
And were Brunettes

But I confess one time
on a shopping trip
I tried on that red swimsuit
The one from the poster on the wall
Of Jimmy Something or other
Who until that summer I thought
Smelled like farts

But suddenly alone in the changing room
The swimsuit fit like all the things
my mother ever spanked me for
I made a gun with my fingers
Aimed it at Jimmy in my mind
And said
''Hold it right there!''

What a sense of power
My heart & my nipples
threatening to burst