Buzz Lightyear, Herald of Galactus, Announces Merger

by Dustin Michael

''The Walt Disney Co. (DIS) said Monday it agreed to buy Marvel Entertainment Inc. (MVL), the creator of Spider-Man, the X-Men and thousands of other characters, for about $4 billion.''

THERE he hovered,
pigeon-sized, plastic,
petrifying pedestrians who froze with fright
in Four Freedoms Plaza far below.

His was the voice which once beckoned to Wilson,
Home Improvement neighbor whose face
was hidden by a fence.
Now it carried the authority of an insatiable, cosmic
devourer of worlds
and smaller multimedia corporations.

''Behold!'' Lightyear said.
''The Walt Disney Company cometh.
Merger is upon you, and in the interest
of preserving core values
and eliminating redundancy,
I am pleased to announce
these changes:

''Beast will have to go,
since we have one.
Captain America, too,
since we've got Walt frozen
beneath Cinderella's castle
and Captain America's backstory
might confuse people.
Namor, the Submariner, must also go,
as King Triton and Sebastian are leery
of entrenched leadership.

T'Challa, the Black Panther, ruler of Wakanda,
shall resign and assist in our Song of the South reboot,
Magneto, master of magnetism,
shall henceforth work toward a peaceful coexistence
of our monorail cars,
and due to our company's great success
in reinforcing existing racial stereotypes,
the following characters will be
retconned out of existence:
Jubilee, since we already have Mulan;
Arabian Knight, since we already have Aladdin;
Warpath, since we already have Pocahontas; and
Tarantula, since we already have the chihuahua
that was in Oliver and Company.''

Buzz Lightyear, Herald of Galactus,
finished, and the brilliant
Reed Richards arrived at a dreadful choice,
for he knew he would either need to build
an antitrust ray, or some kind of ray that turns
everyone and everything into safe, cute,
marketable toys, or
possibly to send
his beloved wife Sue up there
for tiny, plastic Buzz to meet
and to love.

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