The Stakes

Essay

by Milq Sheik Kul

THE STAKES OF THE ELECTION to be contested on 4 November of this year couldn't be clearer. Our present political struggle is the mere earthly analog of the eternal challenge of good versus evil.

On what side do you stand?

Our opponents are people. Point conceded. But they are people of no relevant experience and of low moral fiber. Enemies of change, keepers of the status quo, jokers, smokers, veritable midnight tokers, our opponents are people of questionable patronage and dubious loyalties. They buy retail in the face of readily available discounts.

Our opponents believe in neither truth nor justice and where do you think that leaves the American way? They don't share our traditions. They don't believe in love. They, in fact, hate Lucy. They truck with Satan. They bubble-bathe in the blood of the aborted. They frequently violate ordinances pertaining to overtime parking. Our opponents wear white well after Labor Day, and of winter whites we are not speaking my friends.

What do they love? For what do they stand? What do they eat? Hate, nothing you like, and cute-puppy curry, in that order. Did I mention their breath? A likely consequence of all the curry, but with all that hangs in the balance, does that even matter?

Here WE stand in defiant opposition. Proud. Strong. Free. Physically attractive and generously endowed. Packing the very goods of liberty if you will. American -- with a capital A-M-E-R-I. The c-a-n remains lowercase. Why? Because freedom means never having to show off, that's why.

You like it? Damn it we've got it and we want to bring it to you in wide screen, Technicolor and Dolby Surround because Americas understand that production values are American values first and foremost. Our opponents favor an end to premium cable, a return to both the 4:3 aspect ratio and to black-and-white television. Those aren't our production values, are they?

We know we can count on your support in November.

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