Love Letter to an Oxygen Thief

by Colonel Drunky Bob

DEAR SHIT BAG,

Just wanted to drop you a quick note and say ''thanks'' for breaking into my car last night, and nice work.

I should start by saying, I really liked the way you took care to bust out only the smaller portion of the rear driver's-side window. I don't even want to guess the cost had you bashed out a window that raises and lowers electrically. However, I'm guessing it would have been a lot more than the $172.68 I'm currently looking at. That was very thoughtful. You are obviously a person who cares deeply for the person you're bending over.

Also, I'd be remiss if I didn't comment on how you left the face of the pull-out stereo in place, and in once piece. That was a relief. Of course, it's essentially worthless now since you ripped the six-disc changer out of the center console. However, I've been intending — for sometime now — to start listening to National Public Radio. So, in a way, you did me a favor.

Maybe somehow you sensed my intentions and that's why you decided to thrash the console as you tore the heart and soul out of my stereo system. As it stands now, I couldn't replace it if I wanted to. (Given that the structural integrity is shot to hell). Maybe you're of the opinion that everyone should listen to less educational programming and you do this favor for all of the people you crap on. I don't know. The thought process is really of no consequence. Either way, it was brilliant. Thanks again.

As an aside, I have to apologize for the age and condition of the unit. It's been in the car since 1993, and I probably could have maintained it better. Sorry about that. Had I known that someone else would be using it, I would have taken better care. Sometimes I just don't think. At any rate, I hope the money that you get from pedalling it to some other turd licker is fair. I would hate to think that you went to all that trouble — probably in the wee hours of the morning — and weren't able to get a decent price.

By the way, if you have any trouble unloading it, give me a call, maybe we can work something out. I'd happily give you ten dollars. Maybe we could even hang out and you could drink some of my beer. It could be a hoot. If you get too drunk, you can always just crash at my house, in the spare room. Not to mention, if I get too drunk, and pass out, you could draw on me with permanent markers and stick my hand in a bowl of warm water so I wet my pants. That's always fun. I'd even let you use my digital camera to take pictures of me — marker face, soggy britches, and all — and post them on the Internet. Just something to consider — I know you're probably super busy with stealing and being a waste of oxygen, but if you feel like it, give me a jingle.

In addition, I cannot thank you enough for taking all of my CDs. Perfect, perfect, perfect! Now, even if I could replace the disc changer, I'd have nothing to listen to. You were really thinking there.

On a personal note, I hope you enjoy the Billy Collins CD The Best Cigarette. I just got that one and I can tell you, it's well worth the $14.99, plus $3.50 I paid Amazon to ship it. Yes sir, you won't find that one at Borders. I wish I could be there to see your faces as you and your friends sit around in your soon-to-be-condemned house, smoking crack, drinking lighter fluid, eating tuna straight from the can, and discussing the imagery in ''Shovelling Snow with Buddha'' (it's track number two, by the way). I know you'll enjoy it — poetry aficionados and scholars that you are.

Oh, and before I forget, are you psychic? How did you know that I've been meaning to clean out my car? You really forced me into doing something about it, you little devil. I was whistling the whole time I was cleaning up that mess you made. For some people, it would be a kick in the nuts to have to clean up after someone else. Especially when they'd had their possessions taken from them. Nevertheless, I'm not most people. I know you were only thinking of me and I didn't feel indignant in the least.

Lastly, thanks so much for doing this on Valentine's Day. It really brought my wife and I closer together. In fact, this morning as I stormed around the house screaming nonsense and profanities like ''nut licking nut sucker!'' and ''I'll get that little hump bastard!,'' she honestly said, ''I've never seen you like this.'' Wow! What a perfect day to show the one you love your true colors. It really made a difference. Dinner tonight is going to be much better as we sit in silence and reflect on the beauty and warmth of our Valentine's morning. Really, thanks from both of us.

Okay, I think I've made my point. I hope everything is well and good with you this Valentine's Day. And, I'd just like to reiterate that I hope you get a fair price for my stereo. I'd like to think you'll use the money to get your girlfriend something nice. Like a tube top, or gift certificate to Walgreen's, or maybe that rock of cocaine she's had her eye on.

I have to run now. I'm meeting the police so they can tell me that I'm totally fucked and will never see my shit again.

Thanks again!

Sincerely,
Colonel Drunky Bob

P.S. I noticed you took the black plastic flip-case that held my registration and insurance card. I'm not sure what the point was there. However, if the intent is some sort of identity theft, I should issue a word of caution. I myself haven't been able to get a credit card for years, so you might just want to drop that idea. I'd hate to have the student loan people pounding on your door. No sense in causing you any inconvenience. Anyway, thought I'd give you a heads-up.

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