The Business of Death

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by J.C.

ACT I, SCENE I


GUY
Looks like she's dead.

OTHER GUY
Yep, she's gone all right.

GUY
I suppose we should get rid of the body then.

OTHER GUY
Yeah. [Pause] No, wait. Maybe we should fix her up a bit. You know, a little make-up, some clean clothes. Then we could have close friends and relatives come by for drinks and food and, you know, check her out. Otherwise, people may remember her all wrong, you know.

GUY
You do have a point. Although we might have to shoot her full of preservatives first, so she'll keep.

OTHER GUY
You mean like they do with Entenmann's or beef jerky?

GUY
Well, something stronger I would imagine.

OTHER GUY
Hey, you know what else we could do? After she's all dolled up, we could throw her in a box! Something really elaborate. Maybe have a whole slew of flowers, too. Expensive ones. We don't want people to think we didn't care, right?

GUY
Right. Then later, after everyone splits, we'll dig a ditch to put her in, box and all.

OTHER GUY
We better mark the spot so we can find her again, though.

GUY
Good idea. Let's erect something nice for that.

OTHER GUY
Wait. After spending all that bread, shouldn't we maybe just dump her in, and keep the box?

GUY
Hey, man, come on! What are we going to do with a big box?

OTHER GUY
Yeah, you're right. Say, you want to run her by the church for a quick blessing or two?

GUY
Now you're talking.

OTHER GUY
You're sure we shouldn't forego the little get-together and just set fire to her till she's powder and ditch her in the garden?

GUY
Then what'll we tell the kids? Oh, we burned your mommy's body? Uh uh. Better that they know she's in the ground keeping hundreds of worms alive and well fed.

OTHER GUY
Yeah. You're always considerate. That's great.

GUY
I try.




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