A Letter to My Gastroenterologist

by Heather Dubrow

I AM GRATEFUL for your expertise
and the time that you spent on my case.
but quite frankly  one thing seems off base:
The term "irritable bowel" didn't please
 
me. The principal reason, I'm guessing,
is that I'm so clearly Type A
that to think my intestine's that way—
bad-tempered, stressed out — it's depressing.
 
Even better than that new bran diet
is a name that would make my condition
sound less huffy. And so, my physician,
"Indecisive bowel syndrome"? Let’s try it.
 
And when the disease takes a different form,
give your diagnosis this lubricant:
Call the condition "exuberant
bowel" — please make that label the norm.

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