Why Basmati Rice Is the Bane of the Worldwide Lurking Community

Essay

by Matt Medina

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE PRESIDENT of the United States. I confess that my interest in this obtaining this office is rather selfish. I am not particularly interested in saving the environment from exploitation (I sort of like chemicals). I live with mother so you can imagine that I do not have strong opinions about the healthcare debate. Mother takes care of that stuff for me. I don’t really care about peace or war or crime. It is not because I am 41 years old and, according the the Constitution, six years overqualified for the position. I want to be President so that I can employ my own goons. (Hear me out on this one.) I have always wanted to be conspicuously shadowed by angry looking tall people who wear dark glasses. Yes, I've thought about joining the Mafia! Mother doesn't think that’s a good idea. Also, mother says that they might not take me because of my asthma and gout.

I would not use my goons for evil purposes. I wouldn't even unleash them to do my bidding, which I think, by the way, is very thoughtful of me. Especially because presently I have a job opening for a position that would require any applicant (upon hire) to be prepared to rain thunderous blows upon my enemies. I would not use my goons to pummel my enemies; even though God knows those bastards deserve to get their asses kicked! I would simply march my henchmen around town. Their only duty would be to simply conspicuously lurk in the background. Just lurk. That's all. Lurk.

This reminds me I probably should put out an advertisement to let people know what I'm looking for. Just in case this President thing doesn’t work out. People should know that their singular purpose would be to lurk on my behalf. Only serious lurkers need apply (also no Irish). I need people who live to lurk. Preferably they would be the sort of people raised like Spartans taught from birth the art of lurking. One day they may be found lurking in some narrow gorge, say, just 300 guys, lurking and drinking beer. Their lurking would be the casual laid-back type. They could lurk, for example, in the phalanx formation to take advantage of this formation’s superior leaning opportunities. They'd be the type of lurkers who never go to Persian restaurants. Not because they hate Persians, but because they hate Persian Architecture. Persian Architecture uses too many circles. It's difficult to lurk in a circle. Proper lurking requires dark crevices and plenty of stuff to lurk behind. There’s no place to hide in a circle. In a circle everybody is facing everybody else. Also Persians eat a lot of Basmati rice. Don't even get me started on Basmati rice. I don't have to tell you the sound that stuff makes- dry and crackling under your feet. The sound of dry Basmati rice is especially annoying when you are trying very hard to get your lurk on —

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