Happy Valentine's Day, Bitch


by Bernie Keating


"What . . . ?"

"I said, 'Happy Valentine's Day.'"

"Why would you say that?"

"Because . . . it’s Valentine’s Day. There a problem?"

"Well, you've never said it to me before."

"Sure I have."

"No, you haven't. When? When have you ever said it?"

"I don’t know. I would guess on or around February 14th."

"No, you haven't. In the 12 years we’ve been living together, you've never said it once."

"Oh come on! I must have . . . "

"You haven't."

"Okay, then I’m saying it now, alright?! Happy Valentine's Day!"

"Okay. . . "

"Aren’t you going to say it to me?"


"No? And may I ask why not?"

"I'm trying to figure out what kind of game you're playing here."

"Oh for Christ's sake. . . "

"Seriously, you have never said it before — in fact, now that I think about it. You’ve barely said one word to me in 12 years."

"Oh, you're exaggerating."

"I am not. Not a good morning, not a good night, not a thanks for the delicious dinner. Nothing. Then suddenly, out of the blue, it's 'Happy New Year'!?"

" . . .Valentine's Day."

"Don't be smart. You know what I meant."

"Frankly, I don't think I like your tone. I know what's really going on here. You forgot to take your pills. You get like this every time — "

"Oh, shut up, bitch."

"What did you just call me?!"

"Bitch. I called you a bitch. What? That’s what you are, aren't you? And I bet that’s what you and all your bitch friends call each other, right? You my bitches! Bitch, please! Hey biatch!"

"That may be, but we can say it. You can't."

"For the love of God, just shut up!"

"Fine. That’s the last word you'll ever hear out of me. Now if it's not too much trouble, would you please let me out into the backyard so I can pee?"

"There. Out you go. JUST STAY OUT OF THE ROSEBUSHES AND LEAVE THOSE SQUIRRELS ALONE, BITCH! Jeez . . . where are my pills?"

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