Online Dating: Rejection Slips


by Ed Kornfeld

I'M A BIG ONLINE DATER. If you've dated online for as long as I have — about 50 years now — you get used to rejection of all kinds. But lately I've been getting some doozies that frankly I cannot fathom. Here, check out this e-mail I received last month:

To: Ed
Subject: Wedding crasher
Hi, I don't know of any way to say this without feeling lame. It turns out that, over the weekend, I went to that wedding and ended up reconnecting with someone I hadn't seen for a while. He's a successful high-powered attorney and he's moving back to the city, perhaps to run for office. And his smile just makes my body positively MELT. Although I have no idea where it's going, I feel like I need to sort that out before getting connected to anyone else. I've never been good at dating multiple people. Is it too horrible and awkward for me to ask you if I can hang on to your information and contact you when I know what is (or is not) going to happen? I did have a great time meeting you. And I honestly did not mind about your hair.
:) Pia

Yeah, kind of sad but kind of nice, right? Sure. But — just two weeks ago I got this email from another lovely young woman I had been seeing:

To: Ed
Subject: There IS a doctor in the house
Hey there. Sorry I haven't gotten back to you sooner. I had something very unexpected happen this past weekend. I saw my ex boyfriend, who I went out with for six years, the brilliant surgeon, but broke up with 10 years ago because he used to beat me once. With his Blackberry. Anyway, we've kept in touch since then, but I never anticipated that I would ever want to get back together with him again. But when I saw him, something was different... So... I had a great time with you and was really looking forward to seeing you again, and I really didn't care about the smell, but given how confused I'm feeling right now, I think need to think things through a bit before going on any more dates. Hope you understand.

Beginning to see a pattern? And now — I received this unpleasant missive yesterday:

To: Ed
Subject: And it was a LONG flight
Hey, listen, about our next date— Something happened to me over the weekend. I was bumped from my flight to Rangoon and I had to take 4 connecting flights, can you believe it, and on the second one, I just happened to be seated next to my ex-lover Trey, the one with the really big hands I told you all about on our first date. Anyway, we kind of reconnected. At least twice. I don't think we'll be welcome aboard Jet Rangoon again soon. Anyway, I'm feeling kind of confused about what to do now. And I might be pregnant. I'm really sorry because I think you're not unattractive and I was not at all bothered by the sores. Maybe if things don't work out with Trey I can give you a call??

So, you see, I may be paranoid, but I'm beginning to think this has become one of those memes or something, a go-to Get Out of Dating card now being used by all women. I decided I'm going to stop online dating — for at least a couple days — until this blows over. Or — or, I'll reject first this time! There's always a first time, they say. Here's what I would say.

To: Lady Person
Subject: Soul Mates are REAL
First of all, I want to say it was great to meet you. I'm really sorry we didn't get to have sex on our first date, because over the weekend something amazing happened, and chances are you won't get a chance again. My ex-girlfriend from high school who had had to go to college across the country because she got an extra special scholarship to become a famous person, I ran into her, yeah. And oh wow she's turned into a supermodel, too, as a part-time thing. She has back problems, if you know what I mean. ;) ;)  So, when we saw each other again, at this event, it was like, BOING!, we were in love all over again. She loves all my little quirks, even the earwax spitballs, which are not as unusual as you made them sound. What can I say? You have to wait for Cupid's arrow to strike! Not if you fall in love for the right reasons! Good luck in finding yours! Yeah, good luck! But hey I won't erase your emails or anything, just in case. You never know.

See you online!

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