No Sex with Insects

A poem to be read in the voice of Miss Jane Hathaway from ''The Beverly Hillbillies''

by Callie Cardamon

LEAVE ME BE, wasp, your brazen kisses sting!
My modest lips pucker at the degree
of your boldness — a most unwelcome thing!
Begone, gaunt paramour! And tell the flea
and the fly, the May cricket and june bug,
the beetles in flight, and whatever might
crawl from under a rock, (the ugly mug),
that I’ll not have sex with insects! Take flight!
Tell the mantis shooting glances my way!
Tell shy dragonfly his roman(tick) wings
put no springs in my step! Let no roach say
he had his way with me! I'll have no flings
with things that creep or crawl or bore or drill,
nor fill my coffers with proffers from ants —
tedious fellows perfecting their hill,
with fr(ant)ic will, in their tiny workpants!
Bees, you are too crisp! Too shrill! Too hurried!
Scurrying with your golden attaches,
you’re either premature jacks, or worried,
joyless drones falling on your queen all day!
I suggest you examine your need to merge . . .
choose ones like yourself for the carnal urge.
I'm too high in the Kingdom Animalia
to be bothered with your teeny genitalia.

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