The Plunge

by Pure Eval

IT was a mission I was on,
after an unfortunate incident with a tampon.
That was unwilling to flush and go down the well.
And instead made the toilet seas swell.

And so I was in the hardware store,
searching for plungers all over the floor.
I called to an employee standing nearby,
''Excuse me,'' I said, ''Are there plungers to buy?''
His English was poor, but he knew the right way,
and in his booming voice, here's what he had to say:
''PLUNGER? YOU WANT PLUNGER? FOR THE TOILET?
A MASTER PLUNGER IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO GET.
DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME WITH THE WOODEN-HANDLED ONE,
THE MASTER PLUNGER GETS THE JOB DONE.''

He waved his arms and called out numbers of aisles,
and people walking by gave me awkward smiles,
including the actor standing just three feet away,
who looked at me as if to say …
''Gross.''

So I am not as cool as you are,
Guy who clearly thinks you're a star?
Just because you were on a TV show I really dug,
does that mean you're so fancy your toilet doesn't get plugged?

This might be mean to point out, but I just gotta,
your last movie was about a killer piñata!
A demon piñata! haunting teens on an island.
Yeah, your career is stopped up, my friend.

So you can feel free to borrow my plunger.

*Honorable mention, asinine poetry literary contest, fall 2001

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