Broke Bert Mountain


by Richard Cairo

Brought to you by the letter “F.”

BERT: (sees Ernie with a banana in his anus) Ernie? (Ernie doesn't respond) Hey, uh, Ern?

ERNIE: (sees him) Oh! Hey, Bert!

BERT: (more loudly) I said, "You have a banana in your anus, Ernie. Bananas are food. They are to eat, not to put in your anus, Ernie!"

ERNIE: I'm gonna tell you this one time, Bert F'in Bert, an' I ain't foolin'. What I don't know — all them things that I don't know — could get you killed if I come to know them. I ain't jokin'.

BERT: Yeah, well, try this one, and I'll say it just once!

ERNIE: Go ahead!

BERT: Tell you what, we got a good life together! F'in' real good life! Have us a place of our own. But you want more, Ernie! What we got now is Sesame Street! Everything's built on that! That's all we got, boy, F'in' all. So I hope you know that, even if you don't never know the rest! You count all the damn times we have been together in nearly 50 years and you measure the short F'in'  leash you keep me on — and then you ask me about marriage and tell me you'll kill me for needing somethin' I don't hardly need. Marriage! You are too much for me Ernie, you orange-skinned bitch! I wish I knew how to quit you.

ERNIE: What did you say, Bert?


ERNIE: I'm sorry, you'll have to speak a little louder, Bert! I can't hear you! I have a banana in my anus!


ERNIE: [crying] Well, why don't you? Why don't you just let me be? It's because of you, Bert, that I'm like this! I'm nothin' . . . I'm nowhere... Get the F off me! I can't stand being like this no more, Bert. 

Later that day . . .

BERT: Ernie...

ERNIE: Oh! Hi, Bert!

BERT: You still have that banana in your anus?

ERNIE: Hey, Bert! You ever get the feelin' . . . I don't know, er . . . when you're on Sesame Street and someone looks at you all suspicious, like he knows? And then you go out on the pavement and everyone looks like they know too? Especially the Count.

BERT: Well, maybe you oughta get out of there, you know? Find yourself someplace different. Maybe with the Backyardigans, if you know what I mean.

ERNIE: [Sarcastically] Backyardigans!? Sure, maybe you can convince Big Bird to sublet our rent-controlled apartment, and Oscar can hoard all our porn. And we can just live together as a married couple. And Miss Piggy'll poo tadpoles and Grover will stay on his medication — Bert, that's real smart.

BERT: Go to hell, Ernie. If you wanna live your miserable F’in’ life, then go right ahead.

ERNIE: Fine, Bert.

BERT: I was just thinkin' out loud.

ERNIE: What?

BERT: You still have that banana in your anus!

ERNIE: Yeah, Bert. I know.

BERT: You know? Ernie, why is that banana still in your anus?

ERNIE: Listen Bert. I use the banana to keep the Republicans away!

BERT: Republicans?? Ernie, there are no Republicans on Sesame Street!

ERNIE: Right! It's doing a good job. Isn't it, Bert?

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