The Boston Tea Baggers


by Bernie Keating

Punching up Wikipedia since 1885


IT SEEMS THAT every four years or so, these United States (specifically, of America) holds a Presidential Erection. (We see it. We're leaving it that way.)

The American Election process is a finely tuned political machine. It is fueled by democracy. It is driven by political pluralism. It is oiled with freedom. Its tires are rotated by liberty and justice for all.

Oh sure, we are all familiar with the dominant political parties — the Democrats, the Republicans, and the Santa Maria. But there is a new party majeure that has thrown its hat into the political arena. Specifically, a ridiculously oversized foam Uncle Sam hat. This group calls itself "The Tea Party."

On the surface the name may sound absurd. But initially they called themselves the "Tea Baggers." After someone in their ranks Googled the phrase and after all the collective “Eewwww!!!”s died down, they changed their name to "The Tea Party."

Our extensive research suggests that this scrappy little political party is compiled of people who are fiercely dedicated to sitting in lawn chairs, and gripping their big ol' whopping ass guns while wearing enormous Patriotic foam hats in order to fight for their god-given right to misspell words on protest signs.

After we applied our patented principles of "This Can't Possibly Be What's Actually Going On," we decided to research this jest a tetch further.

Our research revealed that the Tea Party is actually based on a little girl who fell down a rabbit hole and subsequently had tea with a rabbit, a dormouse, and a crazy milliner who wears an enormous hat. (Are we detecting the theme yet?)

Or. It is based on the historic Boston Tea Party. While the first explanation seems to be the more likely, we'll be examining the events of the Boston Tea Party in order to shed some misconceptions on this new and exciting political party.

The first Boston Tea Party took place on December 16, 1773. Tea-addicted Bostonians were fed up with the tea tariffs enacted by Parliament. (Parliament the Government, not the cigarettes.)

The ire of the Bostonians, usually reserved for Red Sox/Yankee games, turned swiftly against Parliament's publishing of the "Tea Act," whose unfortunate closing phrase, "Nyah, nyah, what are you going to do about it?" probably should have been omitted.

So Bostonians did what Bostonians have always done when they're cranked up on caffeine: They plotted to throw tea into the harbor.

One political pundit of the day (he was a day pundit) suggested that the sane thing to do would be to just give up drinking tea completely. While most agreed this would solve the problem quite neatly, it would also mean they wouldn't get to dump tea in the Boston harbor. A noble patriotic act worthy of any Jackass Movie or David Letterman sketch.

The particulars of the raid were arranged swiftly and colonially. But remember, this occurred in what our historians now call "Them Olden Times" so communication was challenging.

Cell phones, laptops, and Ipads had yet to be converted from coal to electric. So for many, the precise details of the Boston Tea Party remained sketchy at best. As a result, many showed up in floral calf-length organza dresses and cotton gloves finished with these adorable mother-of-pearl buttons, expecting to hear "Tea is served."

Not content to simply dump the offending tea into the ocean, these fearless and noble racists decided to do the deed in full Indian drag complete with Indian headdresses. (Again with the hats!?)

Say what you will about Bostonians, but you have to admire the resolve of a people who, when the chips are down, are able to whip up over 100 Native American costumes in a little over an hour.

The name of the tea-bearing ships were — we're not kidding — the Dartmouth, the Eleanor, and the Beaver. (Pause for childish laughter and comments.)

In our opinion, the true unsung hero of this complete historical mess was one Captain Hall.

When confronted by the wrath of the tea-hating goofy-looking mob, he immediately sprung into action wasting no time in handing over all the keys to the tea hatches and even throwing in a few extra candles so they could see better. He advised them with whatever was the Colonial phrase for "Knock yourselves out. Just don't wreck the joint."

Capt. Hall's lack of resolve is something we should continue to admire to this very day. Let's suppose you are working at a Walmart in Boston. Suddenly, a clearly non-Native-American mob storms into the store and demands the keys to the Red Bull cooler so they can throw it into the Boston Harbor. Who among us would not be brave enough to mimic the actions of the fearless Captain Hall?

We hope this clears up any misconceptions or disinterest you may have had about the Tea Party.

Let's clear the floor for questions, shall we?

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