The Positive Side of Incest Marriage


by Richard Cairo

MANY PEOPLE FEAR that once the government allows same-sex marriage, the next step will naturally be incest marriage. Perhaps this is because they worry that once the American people have been gone up and down and up and down and up and down the slippery slope of gay union, we will allow anyone to marry anything in this country. This does not seem like a logical reacharound at all. But why the worry? When it comes to moms and sons, dads and daughters, brothers and sisters, aunts and nephews, uncles and nieces, coming together and down the aisle, there is nothing unnatural. Animals do incest every day in nature. In fact, my cousin Carrie's dog is doing it to his mom right now, I mean, really going at it, and it looks like she's enjoying it. I'm even videoing it for IncestTube. So, let's be honest, America: When you consider the facts, especially those presented in the best-selling book of all time, it is clear that incest marriage is good for our country.

Incest marriage would be a boon to many states! Whose economy is hurting? Alabama, Kentucky, West Virginia, and Alaska's economy is hurting. You know what helps a state's economy? Tourism! You know what will bring tourists to Alabama, Kentucky, West Virginia, and Alaska, other than the need to obtain assault weapons and ammunition easily, that is? Incest marriages! These states already have the highest level of incest in the country. Why not make them the epicenters of incest nuptials. Millions of already-related engaged couples from other states will flock to these in their SUVs, motorcycles, and Ford pickups. I flocked to Alabama myself last month, and I live at my cousin Carrie's house. This is because my mom got tired of my videoing her in the shower. Actually, my father got tired of it and broke my arm. So, anyway, that's why I drove my truck to Mobile. Anyways, imagine the increased business in catering halls for these combination wedding/family reunions! Extra perk: This would advance the Republican agenda of States' Rights, and so it would also help to keep rich, white males in power, which is clearly what we all want.

Incest marriage would be a benefit to everyone! You know what costs a lot? Weddings cost a lot! Both sides of the family have to pay to dress up, travel, and buy presents. What a pain! With incest marriage, only one side of the family has to pay to dress up, travel, and buy presents because there is only one side! Another bonus of incest marriage is job creation. All those incest-created offspring are going to need extra bloodwork and treatment for all their genetically-inbred poor health conditions. Ta-da! Hire more nurses and doctors. And the best plus for our culture: It would help reduce the amount of topics Maury Povich could have on his show and, in this way, help end his dark reign on TV. This would only be a problem for Connie Chung, who would be stuck with his farting around the house more often, wearing her negligees. Not that there's anything wrong with that, as long as they’re made of natural fibers and not by children in a sweatshop.

Incest marriage is Bible-sanctioned! Most importanty, don't forget that incest occurs often and goes unpunished in the Greatest Book of All Time (next to Fifty Shades of Grey, which, forgive me, Lord, I just could not put down)! Right off the bat, Adam is knocking boots with Eve, who, since she was grown from his rib, is kind of like his daughter or clone or something. And pretty soon he's giving her the old applesauce and they're living outside of the Garden of Eden, which seems like it might have pretty with the plants and all but not much fun since there is no Internet or probably no cell phone coverage there. After that, they have two sons and the world gets populated. And although the Holy Book doesn't say it directly, we can all figure out how that happens! Later, Lot bumps uglies with both his daughters, and you don't see them turned into condiments. Then, in Genesis 35:22, Jacob's son Reuben commits incest by sleeping with his father's concubine Bilhah. I guess a concubine is like a cousin. My cousin Carrie is totally hot, by the way, and never showers with the bathroom door closed, ever. Anyway, the Bible goes on and on. And if the Bible says it's okay, it's okay for the world.

So you see, we have nothing to fear from incest marriage. Everyone can do it, literally. It would help poor states. It would help every state. And the Bible says we can do it! Incest marriage is an inevitable part of our future, like the Rapture. If all goes well, I will be inviting you to my wedding to my concubine Carrie any day now.

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