Are You There, Zod? It’s Me, Man of Steel

Essay

by Gordon Stanley

Are you there, Zod? It's me, Man of Steel. You know: Clark. The Clarkster. The Clarkenbush. The Clarkmeister. Oh yeah, better keep the Clark stuff on the QT. Or I'll hurt ya, ya know I can do it! I can take you! Hey, they call me SUPERman now. I know, totally douchey, right? Idiot Earththings can't read!

Oh, hey, but you just me call Kal, since we're, like, from the same planet and stuff.

Great Rao, sorry about your neck there. But, like, you're Kryptonian. Won't it grow back or something, like, if I get you a sun lamp. Hold up. Hey, I just got you one from Japan, right off the factory floor. Damn, I need an extension cord. Hold up. Not long enough. Hold up. Okay, yeah, I had to go through, like, seventy-five buildings to get this stuff, but, hmm, the light's on but it doesn't seem to be working for you. Your head's still all wobbly and stuff. That's gotta suck.

You know, I can't wait until the sequel, Zod. That's when I get to meet the Dark Knight and stuff. Ooooooh! It's not so much that I like him as a comic book hero, Zod, but as a movie hero he's totally serious and gritty. Grrrr. Gritty! Gritty grit grit. Like me. That's why I wear the tights. I'd love to wrestle with him . . . just once or twice. I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him. Little human guy. I guess we'll have to fight in his city, since this one is all, like, crumbly now. They should look into crystals as building material. Seriously, son. Am I right?

Anyway: Batman. The Batdude. The Bateronomy. I know he's got all these fabulous toys, and he's probably going to have some kryptonite, either he'll find it or make it in his Batlab and stuff. He's a smart one. But he's going to have to hide it from me — probably in his Batjockeys, ha! But, no, I'd totally look there first. Just in case, you know. Not that I want to look down there or anything, I'm not like that. Zod! Dude! You're gay. No, you're gay!

Hey, you know what Earth animals I bet you totally hate right now? Giraffes!

Sorry, man totally kidding you. Kryptonian humor. Krypton in the house! Hey, you know, I've been thinking about my two dads a lot lately. It hurts my head. They both said I was meant for great stuff and stuff. I'm, like, an ideal for these Earth hobbits to strive toward. I'm supposed to be their role model and stuff, their spawn are supposed to look up to me, I guess, and one dad, I forget which one, said they have to race behind me for some reason. But I'm not sure they should even try that, because I'm, like, really, really fast.

Hey, what did you think about Lois? I know you got a good look, totally! Doesn't she have the prettiest kidneys? I think when we get married, I’m going to have to get her a negligee made out of lead and all. A guy needs a little mystery, you know what I mean? Hah! Made you laugh! Oh wait, that was probably just a cadaveric spasm. I learned about that while fishing on a boat. That's also where I studied journalism. And ethics. I already tapped that Lois chick, by the way. Of course! The very millisecond I met her, at Super Speed™. I don't know, but it was good for me.

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