Lyrics to 'We're Midgets Not Dwarfs’ from the Musical Midgets*

by Artemus Callahan

WE'RE midgets, not dwarfs,
We live down by the wharfs,
Though some folks think we're strange, you see,
We're humans we're not morphs.

We're wee folk, not runts,
Our duties we don't shunt,
While standing tall, in shoes and all,
we're level with your c***s.

We drink and play and sing all day
With lust and gay abandon,
Don't call us fey or you will pay,
Your bunions we will stand on.

Your Bunions we will stand on! [unison]

We're small but in proportion,
No fear of gross contortion,
Our daughters twats have tiny slots,
They seldom need abortion.

We're midgets, not freaks,
So proud of our physiques,
At nature's call with bladders small,
We take such tiny leaks.

We're fabled for crotch-sniffing,
Our noses nuzzle nuts,
Olfactorally keen are we,
But we draw the line at butts.

Yes we draw the line at butts! [unison]

We're midgets not trolls,
We bathe in toilet bowls,
Our hair is slick from sucking dick,
And felching juicy holes.

We're low but have no fear,
Obliging, oh my dear!
Our sons have dongs like ol' King Kong's,
And ten percent are queer.

Just look into our trousers,
And you will soon say ''yowzir''
We're clean and neat, both balls and meat,
No need of a de-louser.

No need of a de-louser. [unison]

We're midgets, not fools,
We hardly ever drool,
Our chamber pots are washed a lot,
We make a dainty stool.

We're midgets, so sweet,
We have such tiny feet,
We'll shove 'um up your ass for you,
And never call retreat.

Oh basketball is not our game,
I'm sure that is no shock,
Badminton is our claim to fame,
My son's the shuttlecock!

His son's the shuttlecock. [unison]

Black midgets are quite rare,
They still have nappy hair,
Their dicks are thick, they like to lick
Their womenfolk down there.

Chinese have midgets too,
They keep them in the zoo,
At carpet munching they are deft,
Do you know Foo Man Chew Chew Chew.

We're little people not just shits,
So don't be too disdainful,
We stand erect beneath your tits,
Our nipple tweaks are painful

Our nipple tweaks are painful. [unison]

We're happy to report,
Though terminally short,
Our cocks are long and so's this song,
Beware of anal warts.

We're midgets, not swine,
We'll tickle your behind,
This song is blue, erotic too,
And strictly asinine.

Don't give us lip, we'll bite your hip,
Our teeth are sharp and shiny,
Be good to us, there'll be no fuss,
And we will spare your hiney.

Yes we will spare your hiney. [unison]

We're midgets, not pukes,
At sex we are deluxe,
We'll fuck you good, it's understood,
In spite of your rebukes.

We're midgets, not dwarfs,
We live down by the wharfs,
Though some folks think we're strange, you see,
We're humans, we're not morphs.


*Winner, asinine poetry literary contest, spring 2002

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