The Matt Schulman Is Stupid Club

by Matt Schulman

ONCE A WEEK
Everyone I know gathers in a big lecture hall to talk about the stupid things I've done.
Partially because they have nothing better to do
But mostly because they can’t believe how stupid I am and need to talk about it.

These meetings have been going on my entire life
They used to use overhead projectors
But now they use Power Points
The meetings have evolved with the digital age.

This week's meeting wasn't particularly noteworthy
But I took notes anyway
Because I always do
My history professor went first.
He told everyone how on Monday, at 9:45 AM
I demonstrated a poor understanding of Agricola by Tacitus
A cacophony of laughter followed.

A couple of acquaintances went next
They told everyone that on Monday, at 11:04 AM
I laughed too loudly at my own stupid comment
This is a familiar slide in the weekly presentation
It was met with a chorus of rolled eyes and there-he-goes-agains.

I didn't recognize the group that came next
Why the fuck were they allowed in the meeting?
It's because on Monday, at 1:31 PM
I dropped a quarter, bent down, and revealed my ass crack to all of them
Now one of the girls is questioning her sexuality
These meetings have become the worst part of my week.

The meeting goes on for another three hours and seven minutes
That's longer than The Godfather
Still, I have hope
That some day I will never do anything stupid again
And everyone I know will have to find something else to talk about.

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