Show Me the Candidate

by Dustin Michael

SHOW ME THE CANDIDATE, of either party, who is candid enough to tell America, "This campaign season I've said some things that are bound to strike abject, existential fear into large swaths of the voting populace and make people in those demographics dread what their lives will be like if I'm elected — but have I said enough of them to win? Asking for a friend."

Show me the candidate, of either party, with the wisdom to say, "People are always demanding stuff they think they're entitled to without really thinking about what it would be like to live in a country where everybody else — no matter how stupid — had that stuff, too. Flying cars, for instance. Imagine the horrors you see when you drive to work, all those close calls and near misses, all those ass hats — way up in the air. If elected, I can give you some of the things you want, but I'll probably have to give them to everyone, and I can't make the ass hats go away."

Show me the candidate, of either party, who is fearless enough to tell Americans, "Seems to me a lot of your meetings could be handled just as easily over email."

Show me the candidate, of either party, with the insight to proclaim, "The American middle class is like a bunch of tortilla chips in a rolled up bag too close to cabinet door, so that every time someone closes the cabinet the chips all get a little more crushed up, until all that's left is a handful of salty, corn-flavored dust in the bottom of the bag, and even when you try to dig for a piece big enough to dip with it still gets all over your fingers, so basically you're eating dip straight out of the jar with your fingers. But this is America. We don't do that here. So vote for me."

Show me the candidate, from either party, who is forthright enough to say, "OMG AMERICA I AM TOTALLY SHITTING A BRICK RIGHT NOW!!!"

Show me the candidate, of either party, who can tell America, "I call dibs on Toto's 'Africa' as my campaign song, partly because strengthening relations with African nations will be a tentpole of my foreign policy, and partly because Toto's 'Africa' is a rockin' ass song."

Show me the candidate, of either party, with the resolve to say, "We don't need more government. We need more governWOment©."

Show me the candidate, of either party, with the compassion to say to America, "Whenever someone sneezes, and you say, 'Bless you,' you don't have to keep saying 'Bless you' if the person keeps sneezing. I envision in a country where saying 'Bless you' to someone once covers the whole day. If the person sneezes again, you don't have to say 'Bless you.' You don't have to say anything. You're good."

Show me the candidate — of either party — with the honesty to say, "These issues, right? Good God, there are lots of them! I'm gonna be straight up here — a lot of these issues, I don't even care about, but I WANT to care about them. Elect me, and I promise that in my America, 'sincerely wanting to care about something' will count for just as much as 'actually caring about something but not doing anything.' That's progress, folks. Vote for me."

Show me the candidate, of either party, who has the compassion to tell the American people, "Elect me, and I promise to make it so you can get your money back if you accidentally push 'Yes' when it asks if you want to purchase a car wash when you're pumping gas."

Show me the candidate, of either party, with the steely resolve to declare, "Buddy, you're too old for a skateboard."

Show me the candidate, of either party, who can say, "I stand for the American people, and more importantly, so does my humongous killer robot."

Show me the candidate, of either party, with the courage to stand up and say, "Elect me, and I will push for a Constitutional amendment banning the making of any more Alvin and the Chipmunks movies."

Show me the candidate, from either party, with the moral fortitude to stand up and say, "Get me elected, and I promise that one night every couple weeks I will get kinda lit and call other world leaders at home, wake them up and tell them exactly how I feel about them. Who's going to tell me I can't? Nobody. Vote for me."

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