Food Fight

by Scott Emmons

IN China, the land of the classic pagoda,
Of fanciful dragons, of Yin and of Yang,
The chickens are chopped for traditional dishes
That give them a fresh and agreeable tang.
While off on the opposite side of the globe,
The cuisine is as different as day is from night.
The folks in Kentucky all count themselves lucky.
They're happy to tell you, they do chicken right!
Now nations have warred over power and plunder.
Their quarrels are endless, yet few people know
Of the great epic struggle that sadly erupted
The day Colonel Sanders met General Tso.

The General's chicken was tender and tasty,
With spices that rendered it pleasantly hot.
The Colonel, suspicious of all that was foreign,
Declared it was clearly a Communist plot.
''You can't tell the breast from the gizzard!'' he thundered.
''This devious dish has me chilled to the core.
Unchecked, it could weaken our strong moral fiber.
We've got to act quickly. This chicken means war!''
So licking his fingers, he summoned his forces,
Determined to vanquish his villainous foe.
It was East versus West as the warriors gathered
The day Colonel Sanders met General Tso.

The soldiers were marshaled in battle formation.
The General scowled as he sipped at his tea,
Then shouted to Sanders, ''You must be deluded!
Your twenty-piece bucket is no match for me!
My army's equipped with the plumpest of pullets,
The zestiest sauces, and rice by the ton!''
''You fool!'' yelled the Colonel. ''My biscuits alone
Are enough to destroy you. It's gonna be fun!''
And then, in an instant, the battle was raging,
Though none can be certain who struck the first blow.
They darkened the skies with their drumsticks and thighs,
The day Colonel Sanders met General Tso.

They pelted each other with hot, greasy giblets,
And soon they were slinging their side dishes too.
The Colonel confirmed that his food was the faster,
But Tso was a master of Chicken Kung Fu.
They fought till the General ran out of nuggets
And Sanders was down to his last pint of slaw.
''The Chairman,'' said Tso, ''would advise us to bag it.''
''All right,'' said the Colonel. ''We'll call it a draw.''
And so an uneasy détente was arranged
And remains in effect since that era of woe.
But Lord, we entreat there should be no repeat
Of the day Colonel Sanders met General Tso!

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