Congratulations Are in Order

by A. Georgi

CONGRATULATIONS that you can use telepathy to talk to birds.
Congratulations that after years of trying,
you know what my parrot is thinking in its cage,
and that when the time comes,
you will be able to use hordes of sparrows to
do your evil bidding.

Congratulations on your first born son.
Congratulations on your recent weight gain.

Congratulations on dating an old man,
he is so old that his ears look like the insides of my worn out sneakers and
his eyes drop down to his chin.
Congratulations, I am sure you two will be very happy together.

Congratulations on finishing that 72 ounce steak.
Congratulations, 72 ounces of meat is coursing through your stomach right now,
clogging you in ways you never even dreamed of.
Congratulations, an entire cow died, so that you can eat a 72 ounce steak
in under forty-five minutes, and get your dinner for free.

Congratulations on your promotion to head of the contract killing department.
Congratulations you are dating a woman who looks just like your mother.
Congratulations, you have screwed everything up royally.
Congratulations on your new identity.

Congratulations on buying your first package of condoms;
I only wish I could congratulate you on what will come next.

Congratulations on your complete command of the English language.
When I said that I was ''doing good'' you knew I should
have said ''well'' and told me so.
Congratulations, I now bow down to a much better human being.

Congratulations you can drink more than anyone.
When we all stopped drinking hours ago, you continued on.
You are vomiting on a Mount Everest of drinking accomplishment.

Congratulations you finished another paragraph of your giant novel.
Congratulations on your new boobs.
Congratulations you are in a shitty punk band.
Congratulations you dropped acid twice and you are not crazy.

Congratulations you are so adorable and everyone loves you.
When you speak in class everyone is smiling and cocking their heads sideways
to listen to what your adorable mouth has to say.
Congratulations, everyone loves you. Everyone but me.

Congratulations on another job done pretty well.
Congratulations, you gave up much sooner than the other test subjects.
Congratulations, you can write a poem that is nothing but a long, silly list.
You should get some kind of award.

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