Describing the Ideal Art Film about Equality

by Dustin Michael

NAKED,
Celestial
Jennifer Love Hewitt
Descends from space with
One black boob
One white boob
Giggling in harmony

They are the exact same size/perkiness
And when (Jennifer) Love (Hewitt) faces north
As the sun sets
A mighty shadow is cast upon the land
Forming the profile of The Rock

This is witnessed as a reflection in pond water
Seen by Lou Diamond Phillips and Lucy Liu
Who share a body and are called Lucy Liu Diamond Phillips
As the first seven notes from the rap remix of the All in the Family theme song
Play over
And over
And over
On a boom-box shaped like Mt. Rushmore

Then it cuts to some mimes doing things in front of slide projectors

Under (Hewitt, Jennifer) Love
A great chasm opens
And the hooded avatar of Equality
Hurls Eminem and Bryant Gumbel
Into a spiraling maelstrom of cottage cheese and fudge
Where they must wrestle
Greco-Roman style
Muttering of sorrow—chicka-chicka—for eternity

And at last the Universe
Smiles:
Somewhere in a bathroom
In France
Gerard Depardieu
Ceases to weep
Then starts weeping again

It ends with a shot
Of manatees
On a grill

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