The Dancing Dentures

by Louise and Suzanne Kelman

MY husband ran off with a bimbo
''A mid-life crisis!'' everyone said.
But I really missed having a fella,
there seemed such a big hole in my bed.

I looked at myself in the mirror.
Middle aged plump with false teeth.
Who on earth could I be kidding?
Too old to turn over a new leaf!

Then I saw a sign on a lamppost
On Saturday—a planned singles night.
If I could just muster up courage
at the end of my tunnel was light.

So I took myself off to the hairdressers,
and they bleached, they permed and they trimmed.
New make-up and outfit were bought then
with a girdle my tummy was thinned.

I arrived that night feeling fantastic
Tottering in heels, a goddess galore.
First I went to the bar for Dutch courage.
On the stool next to me sat the Town Bore.

He talked me to death all the evening.
Though I tried, I couldn't get away
to check out the talent on the dance floor—
Listening to his jokes on that stool did I stay

As the music droned on I grew tired
and I couldn't help stifling a yawn.
As a joke he stuck in his fat finger
and from my gums my dentures were torn

They flew up in the air like a rocket
"We have liftoff" NASA would say.
All I could do was watch in sheer horror
as my choppers were flying away

They headed on course for the dance floor
ricocheting down off the disco ball,
straight down the collar of a cutie,
jiggling alone so handsome, so tall

Hot and flustered I raced to his side there
heart pounding in my throat a large lump
and careful not to flash him a smile
asked to join him dancing the Bump.

He looked shocked and a little excited
to be propositioned in such a direct way,
but with gusto we started dancing
as the music started to play

I kept trying to feel for my dentures
as I groped each wrinkle and fold.
With a wry smile he made the comment
how he liked his women so bold.

He pulled me in close for a slow dance
a conquering smile at the prize he had got
but his body visibly stiffened
as up the back of his shirt my hand shot.

Up by his left armpit I found them
and though I tried they were just out of reach.
Then they slipped down the back of his trousers
and he yelled as they bit his left cheek!

We got married a year ago Christmas
but there was no bride on top of my cake.
We just thought it was terribly fitting
to have some dentures entwining her mate.

Originally published in Big Purple Undies.

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