A Stalker for Courtney Cox

by Paul Kane

WALKING through the grocery store
I saw you on the cover of People magazine
With your husband David Arquette
I didn't read why, but it was probably something about
''Their Special Love'' or ''How They Keep it Together''

Too bad it couldn't have been a cover
Like Meg Ryan's
When she was carrying on with Russell Crowe
Or the upcoming Rush Limbaugh cover
''A Pumpkin Headed Talk Show Host and his Addiction to Hillbilly Heroine''

By the way,
Isn't your husband, David Arquette
Related to Rosanna Arquette and some other
Female actor also named Arquette that I don't know?
I once saw Rosanna in a movie with Gary Busey that I liked

Anyway, standing next to you
On the cover of People, David Arquette
Looked all moony eyed and giddy
But your pursed lips and narrowly contorted eyes
Betrayed anger and revealed your profound sadness

Why Courtney? Why?
So what if you are the least popular Friend on Friends
If I had a vote I would've voted for you
Granted, I've never seen a single episode of Friends
But I still would've voted for you

I thought your transition from that stupid Bruce Springsteen video
To the cast of a popular network TV show was just great
Especially since you grew your hair out
Most girls don't realize that a little thing like
Growing their hair out makes a difference, but you did

Courtney, I want to help you
I want you to be happy and strong
So happy and strong
That when I'm walking through the grocery store
I want to see your happiness and strength with my own eyes

I could be your drug dealer
But that seems so played and destructive
How 'bout I stalk you instead
Everyone in Hollywood needs a stalker
Stalkers never get old

Don't worry though
I wouldn't be a creepy degenerate type of stalker
That wears a trench coat and exposes himself
Or endlessly professes his undying love and devotion to you
I don't like trench coats and I'm not that good at expressing my feelings to women

I'll just follow you around and greet you awkwardly at odd moments
Like I said, I'm not that good at talking to girls
I used to be very confident and good with women
But, my last few girlfriends decided they wanted to be gay after being with me
And it's left me a bit shaken

Though I'm not good with women
I can kick some ass
Please tell your husband David Arquette
Not to become aggressive with me because I mean you no harm
And I would hate to have to beat his giddy ass down

So, after you get the restraining order
I'll keep coming around and saying ''Hi''
Until they throw me in jail
I could use some time off without the pressure
Of keeping a roof over my head and food on the table

And you can do the interview circuit
With Katie, Oprah and Diane Sawyer
Everyone will be horrified and sympathetic at your stalker experience
And before you know it you’ll be more popular than Lisa Kudrow
Probably not Jennifer Aniston, but definitely Lisa Kudrow

Then, the next time I'm walking through the grocery store
And see you on the cover of People magazine
You'll be looking all happy, strong and confident
How great is it that a single stalker has the ability to
Reconfigure the popularity of a network TV star?

God Bless America.

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