Ode to Stomach Stapling

by V.S. Frimmit

ALERT! Hot flash! This item just in!
Stomach stapling* will sure make you thin.
Now science announces a brand new breakthrough
Stomach stapling will cure whatever ails you!

Poor self esteem, cancer, a hangnail!
Eye hockey, cramps, too much junk mail!
Depression, hair loss, conviction for perjury!
All can be fixed with gastric bypass surgery!

Lost socks, house mold, kids who can't read!
Impotence, flatulence, drivers who speed!
Allergies, anarchy, mumps, logorrhea!
Stomach stapling is the new panacea!

Don't worry about your problems all day
Staple them, staple them till they all go away!
Swingline your ailments into a tight little spot
And suddenly your troubles you will have not!

*Gastric bypass surgery is not for people with any sense, will power, or self-love. Please consult your doctor. Side effects include a lifetime of chronic diarrhea and vitamin deficiency as well as frequent teary appearances on daytime talk shows.

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