That Ain't Mud They're Slingin'*

by Colonel Drunky Bob

MONKEYS are funny
like monkeys will be.
They swing from their vines
and they hang from their trees.

But the funniest thing
that monkeys will do,
is get into fights
with their own monkey poo.

They'll spend hours it seems
just volleying clumps,
back and forth at each other,
like monkeys are chumps.

And the rest of the monkeys
watch intently and chatter,
like slinging means something --
like poo slinging matters.

And as it turns out
there is something more to it.
Something much deeper,
that makes them go to it.

It seems that the monkeys
aren't just slinging poop.
It's a battle for power --
for reign o'er the troupe.

See monkeys don't worry
about campaigning funds.
They just use what's handy --
what's fresh from their buns.

They don't worry about image
-- it would be hard to do --
when you're struggle for might
is centered 'round poo.

They just get to business
and stake out their claim,
and in the end choose the monkey
that has better aim.

And when it's all over,
this crusade of poo,
the monkeys get back to
the things monkeys do.

Like grooming each other,
cleaning poo from their fur,
and the whole troupe's just happy
that the troupe is secure.

It's not important to monkeys
which chimp's top banana,
while lions and tigers roam
round the savanna.

No, monkeys arenĂ­t are bothered
by which chimp is king.
They realize, that really
it don't mean a thing.

In the end all the monkeys
get back to their lives,
protecting their babies,
bananas and wives.

So admire their poo fights
even if it seems wrong,
cause no matter the outcome
monkeys still get along.

Better yet, let's be monkeys
and do what monkeys do.
Let's get Bush and Kerry
a big bucket of poo . . .

and let them fling poo
til all the poo's flung.
Til their Brooks Brother's suits
are all sullied with dung.

Then we'll choose us a leader
and we'll be monkey-giddy,
about choosing the one
that's a little less shitty.

It would be a great system,
this choosing with poo.
A little malodorous,
        but that's nothing new.

Monkeys get it.

*Prize winner, asinine politics and social commentary poetry contest, spring 2004

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