by Leon N. Cluck

I'VE always been afraid of heights
I could never climb a ladder
Or ride a rollercoaster
But now, as if god laughed
And fears became fueled by fantasy
I whiz between skyscrapers
So high that I can't see the ground
Chasing every spandex-clad freak
This side of the Pecos
That got pissed
That never got asked to prom
That became the reason why
I never go on vacation.

Things could have been worse
A radioactive slug
Lazy freeloading cousin of the spider
Could have bitten me
What kind of hero would I be
Followed by a trail of snot-like slime
My worst enemy
The little girl on the salt box.
Would anyone ask for my help
If they weren't too disgusted
By my hands
Shooting ooze, not webs
Onto cars, buildings, and people?

At night when I finally sleep
I see hairy legs
Globes of eyes lined in rows
And fangs that brought me here
It's not that I hate it
Or that I don't want to help
But every once in a while
I'd like to wear a tie
Or boxers instead of briefs
And stay at my day job for a while
Stand around the water cooler
Listen to all the bachelors telling their torrid tales
But I've got work to do.

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