I Know It's True Because I Saw It on TV

by V.S. Frimmit

THIS woman had a painful condition caused by washing too many clothes and dishes with bleach (she had no arms). She began to worry about her problem when she left bloody footprints all over the house and realized how tough they were to clean. And who would feed the children? And the host Chad Carter, smiling, solid-jawed, cordially asked her, ''Hey, Tomato Toes, what's the deal? Your husband into a little feet salad? How's his head of lettuce, get it, head of lettuce?'' The lady started crying on the air so they kept the camera focused on her, full-face full-screen. You couldn't see Chad. ''C'mon. Tomato Toes, let's hear about it? What's the funniest thing anyone's ever said to you about your po-dietary problem?'' ''Stop, stop, stop,'' the woman said, her face red, her armless body shaking, but the in-studio audience was laughing''--probably there was a big APPLAUSE sign or LAUGH sign or both back and forth, APPLAUSE, LAUGH, APPLAUSE, LAUGH. Probably the station was getting a lot of phone calls. Probably a lot of people had her problem, took it very seriously, and wanted to be on the show, too.

Previously published in Mind Gorrilla.

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