A Recipe for Life

(Booze and drugs -- a call to action!)

by Quint McGuinley

SURGEON General's Warning:
Sobriety is boring.
Clarity is overrated;
With booze and drugs, you'll feel elated.

The prognosis isn't good
Atkins runs the neighborhood.
No-carb diets are all the rave.
Get out of line, you're not a slave.

Eat laced brownies till you're green,
enjoy the sights, it's quite a scene!
Dabble in a bong or two.
Might I suggest the mushroom stew?

Don't hesitate to open doors.
Forget Tae-Bo and household chores.
Gobble up some LSD
and dive into a mental sea

Cirrhosis ain't that bad,
so shrug it off just like your dad.
Then shoot six shots of Everclear,
and chase them down with lotsa beer.

Chew some chaw and smoke some smokes,
your health might fail, but life's a joke.
No need to worry every day.
You'll end up with cancer anyway.

The news will make you hide in fear,
buy a gun, distrust your peers.
The CIA is on your trail.
Don't answer calls or check your mail!

Forget that babble and you'll be fine.
Ignore scare tactics; drink your wine.
Immerse yourself in blissful spirits,
grab hold the wheel; make sure to steer it.

Pick fights with bums for crack cocaine,
and smoke it till you feel insane.
Dress up in camouflage fatigues,
and call your gang the Justice League.

Liberate the mindless masses,
enlighten them with one-way passes.
Walk hand in hand with ecstasy.
Spike your friends' drinks with GHB.

And I wish you happy trails, my friends.
This is just the beginning; it's not the end.
So grow your hair and love your lover.
There's much out there yet to discover.

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