A Visit from the Masturbation Crustacean

(An experiment in visual poetry)

by Quint McGuinley

(A Big Crab walks into a classroom full of young kids, stares them down and shakes his head, antennae shaking violently)

I'm here today to tell a story,
Because that's my occupation.
I'd like to introduce myself.
I'm the Masturbation Crustacean!

Kids, it's wrong to touch yourselves,
Your body's not a toy.
So listen up or there'll be trouble
For each and every girl and boy!
(… Waves hands in air like a conductor…)

Do do do do do da da
Da da do do do
Do do do do do da daaaa
Da da da do do do!

(Sits down on a little boy's desk and tussles his hair…)

Abstain from grabbing your bad parts,
Cause a good kid that don't make.
So rather than tugging at your rope,
Why not bake a cake?

(…Shrugs shoulders in a questioning fashion…)

I speak from experience, boys and girls,
So it's with a heavy heart I say
That if I didn't go cold turkey,
My loins wouldn't be here today.

That's right, little tykes, this is no joke.
I'm just offering peace of mind.
Whether you punch the clown or wax the car,
You're certain to go blind!

(…walks over and sits on a little girl's desk…)

It's a well-known fact that girls are bad,
And their privates aren't clean.
But try to break the mold on that,
Or the boys will think you obscene.

You'll never date; you'll just sleep around,
So get used to living alone.
Cause no man will want to marry you
If your exploits are well known.

(…Holds up a picture of Carolyn Bissette Kennedy…)

Well, that my friends, is all for today,
Much to my consternation.
Ta ta for now, young boys and girls,
I'm the Masturbation Crustacean.

(…Slowly scuttles toward the doorway and leaves, only to pop his head back inside for a quick final lesson…)

Don't whack off!

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