Dear Mary

by John Kerry

AMERICA, I would like to take this time to apologize.
I want to apologize to Mary Cheney,
Mary Cheney is the gay, lesbian, and also homosexual daughter
of vice president Dick Cheney.

Dear Mary, I did not mean to use you like a political tool
during the last presidential debate
— excuse me, I did not mean anything by using the word tool —
Mary, I did not intend to take advantage of your sexual preference
in order to appear more open-minded
and thereby suggest in any way that my opponent
was an inexcusably backward-thinking, intolerant, gay-basher
who would rather see dykes like yourself
in concentration camps than on the cover of video boxes.

It must have been some family scene, dear Mary,
where your dear dad Dick found out you preferred the land down under
— excuse me, I mean, were gay, lesbian, and also homosexual —
or did he pretend, as he did with my running mate John Edwards,
that he'd never met you.

You are brave, Mary, and I know that being
gay, lesbian, and homosexual
is not a choice.
I only wish at least one of my daughters
were as brave as you.
Because then I would surely
win Rhode Island.

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