I Saw Suzy Kicking Santa Claus

by Quint McGuinley

TIPPYTOE the children went,
Sneaking down the stairs,
To steal a peek of Santie Claus,
In the midst of his affairs.

But little Bobby moved too fast,
And the first step made a creak.
Sister Suzy grabbed his arm;
Then pinched him on the cheek.

'''Be quiet, you dumb shit,'' she said,
''Or else he'll fly away.
We might not get to grab him
Before Joey steals his sleigh.''

Little Bobby turned to cry,
And Suzy took the lead.
She slithered down the stairway
Like a snake prepared to feed.

There Santa stood, a sight to see,
A giant by all accounts.
Suzy stalked him slowly,
While she arched her back to pounce.

''Yarrgghh!'' she screamed while leaping.
Her arms bear-hugged his thighs.
Little Bobby bound his legs,
While Suzy clasped his eyes.

''What say you now, you big fat cow?
You're up shit's creek for sure.
So hand over your goodie bags,
Or pain you shall endure!''

And then there was a rumbling,
As Joey ran downstairs.
He shrugged his shoulders as if to say,
The sleigh was just not there!

Santa laughed as Suzy fumed,
Which drove her to the brink.
She kicked him squarely in the shin,
And then sat down to think.

''Where could they be, if not the roof?
Unless they disappeared?''
Suzy wanted answers now,
So she tugged on Santa's beard.

All it took was one quick yank
To pull the beard away.
And that’s when things got interesting,
Much to the kids' dismay.

For Santa had a face they knew,
A mug they knew so well.
The kids stood there and stared at him,
As if under a spell.

Joey rushed to aid him,
And Bobby helped out, too.
But Suzy gaped in horror.
She bit more than she could chew.

Their father rose in front of them,
A burly man indeed.
His hands reached for his big black belt,
And Suzy nearly peed.

''Suzy, as the oldest,
It's your responsibility.
To make sure operations
Are performed effectively.

''Now listen here and listen well.
You screwed up pretty bad.
Of all the things I taught you,
You should never kick your dad!

''Now get to bed and go to sleep,
For I have work to do.
And if I hear you curse again,
Your ass will meet my shoe.''

And off they went, with heads hung low,
while Papa hit the sauce.
He chuckled softly to himself,
for they knew who was boss.

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